My Child Is Insane, Why Am I Doing Another Bikini Show, And There Are Two Types Of Vaginas.

I know, long ass title...but I have soooo much to talk about! Its been forever....the idea of having a blog where you update people each week about your personal life is kind of ridiculous when I can barely return a phone call. First off, why in the hell am I so busy?! I swear I do this shit to myself....I cant say no, I over commit, and honestly I'm running my child all over town to do mobile tans for the rich and famous in Newport for $55 dollars. Is it REALLY worth the trouble?! the 55 fwy alone makes me want to jump off a cliff.

 Secondly, to make it more exciting, I have agreed to take my 5 year old niece 5 days a week until August when she starts Kindergarten. Today was day 1....Let me just say I have a whole new respect for people with more than one child. Colton typically plays outside by himself in his new "Baby House" as he likes to call it. And talks to the dog, torments some rolly polly's, and pretends to put my keys into his "Baby Car"...With Peyton there it's whole new game. She brings a backpack over with 10 fucking Elsa dolls and Colton "cant play" with one! They're apparently all really special, so she says no and he hits her and then she tells on him and then he throws the dolls. This probably happens 9 times a day. They like to play house outside, that is until she takes the car keys or he throws the fake food all over the place, and then my poor dog is somehow shoved in the house and theyre both riding him. I mean, seriously...these kids are crazy and I spend more time telling them to shut the fuck up in a really nice, patient way than I do getting anything done in my house while theyre supposed to "keep each other company." That's a total joke....Although, Peyton is extremely helpful letting me know that my child has shit his pants, because "he really stinks."

On another note, I am almost 12 weeks out to my 2nd bikini show. I keep trying to remember why I decided to do this again and I just cant come up with anything..I guess it's pretty much the fact that a few women at our gym are doing it so why not jump in. I almost feel like this time around is harder because I dont necessarily hate my body this time. I mean, we can all work on some stuff....my ass could be tighter, and of course I could have more abs, but my drive is lacking a bit. I told myself Im working on my head this week to get prepared for extra conditioning and food prepping. One thing I am excited about is that i've just recently incorporated spinning a couple days a week. My sister, Amanda, is a spin instructor at Cycle Lab in Anaheim Hills and its kinda awesome....not as awesome as Train Insane Gym, but I have to support and she has great legs so why not?...Not sure if anyone has actually tried Spinning before but it's pretty much dark with club lights and crazy music and it's friggin hard and I kinda felt like I needed to blood dope and the seats were rough on my vagina...but my legs were burnin, so I went with it.

And while were on the vagina subject...I had a conversation tonight with a couple tanning clients about how many vaginas I must see on a weekly basis and how I must see so many types. I see a lot....I also have 3 sisters so none of this is new...Im here to tell you...in case you're wondering if yours is weird ...that there are 2 different vaginas in the world (stop it, you know you want to know). Typically this is great conversation with friends at a party while drinking A LOT of wine, but since I'm almost an MD, I'm happy to educate....

1) The Zipper- this would be Amanda...Oh, did I say that out loud? these are the cutest. they're like neatly put together, everything's tucked nicely away and these bitches haven't had kids.

2) The Picaboo- Just like it sounds...peaks out, a little extra foliage, the doors are slightly open....and this is the most common.

So for all of you that don't have sisters or don't belong to a nudist colony, and wondered whether yours is like everyone else's...Don't worry, it is.

Nothin is off limits ;)

Insane Bikini Momma

Calories in Juicing!

I know juicing is the popular thing to do right now for obvious reasons, but if you're a calorie counter like me, you may find it hard to track the calories in juicing, so I did a little research and here's an easy way!!

You lose fiber when juicing, so log everything you're putting in the juicer and then multiply the total grams of fiber by 4 ( because there are 4 calories in one gram of fiber) and then subtract that from your total calories. You will then get a pretty good idea! Now, its a lot of carbs and sugar if you're incorporating fruits to sweeten the greens up, so be careful! I mix half water and half juice so I get more of it for less calories....just a thought ....hopefully this helps someone out there! 

Insane Bikini Momma

Insane Bikini Momma's Vanilla Almond Protein Bars!

I think I've mastered this recipe!!!

 Two of these squares is a perfect snack, especially between your Insane Nutrition meals ;)

  1 1/2 cups quick oats
  1/4 cup almond meal
  1/2 cup baking splenda.
  2 scoops trader joes vanilla whey protein
  1/2 cup water
  2 eggs
  2 egg-whites
  1 teaspoon almond extract
  1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract.

I put the oats in my food processor and made oat flour (cheaper ;). Then I just combined all dry ingredients with the eggs, egg-whites, water and extracts. If you are not an almond extract fan, you can reverse the measurements and make the vanilla the 1 teaspoon and almond the 1/2. I just happen to love anything almond, marzipan, sugar cookie tasting! Put in the oven for about 15-20 minutes at 350.

1 square-( This recipe makes 12 servings/squares :)

76 calories
2.9 g fat
8.4 g carbs
4.8 g protein

ENJOY!!!!

Insane Bikini Momma

Pictures Of My Insane Bikini Momma Transformation Over The Span Of 8 Months.

Crazy to look back on my journey this last year and see how much my body has changed.....it seemed like it took forever, but looking back now time just flew by...

 

 

 

 

Insane Bikini Momma

Post Bikini Show Life...Why I Now Need Therapy.

Hi people out there!!! Do you still exist? Do you think about me? Are you still my follower? Do you wonder what my life is like now? Well, let me answer all your many questions by saying...drum roll please...."I've been one big head case!" - insert laugh here ....honestly, humor is the only thing getting me through these last few weeks. A good laugh, a smile, to make fun of the things we do and the things we put ourselves through. How humor can seriously change your outlook on things. To laugh at ourselves is an act of letting go and moving on...I believe it anyway!

When I think about the last 7 months of my life a couple things come to mind....I made some changes, put myself to the test, just about tortured my body until it couldn't handle anymore, ate like I was living on a deserted island and fulfilled my goal of being a bikini babe on stage. Then what happened was Christmas and New Years and lots of eating and sugar and wine and all of the things I left behind for so long and taking time off the gym to spend the holidays up north with my family. When I vented to anyone about how I had completely lost motivation after the show and just wanted to eat everything in sight, their response was, " Well, Hannah you have been killing yourself for a long time and you DESERVE some time off." Here's what I learned about the word "Deserve" when applied to health and fitness........your body doesn't care how hard you've worked or for how long. If you lose control and decide you "deserve" a break, you can kiss that cute new butt and toned abs bye bye. How long it takes to transform your body, yet how quickly you can go backwards. It's not fair, the world is cruel, US Weekly airbrushes abs on Jenna Dewan Tatum so we hate ourselves and eat 900 calories a day....oh ....am I getting off point? Well, you get it. Side note:  I could use a little post show therapy.

What I will say is this....I've learned a lot these past few months and when the experts, like my husband (hate to admit it) say that this is a "lifestyle" and it has to be "realistic" they are being super serious. And when experts (like me) say that you NEED A GOAL I'm seriously seriously serious. When my bikini show ended I felt almost lost with nothing to live for (ok, kinda dramatic, but its kinda true). You work so hard for one day and then life goes on and no one but yourself holds you accountable and now I have found that that is the true test. Can you continue, can you maintain this lifestyle? and the answer is no. Because you can't eat rice and turkey and eggwhites at every meal and you can't do 2 hours of cardio a day for the rest of your life, and when you see yourself super lean at your bikini show and 2 weeks later your abs no longer look that lean you feel defeated. But I also took diuretics prior to my show and hardly drank water and ate tablespoons of jam, which im still questioning....BUT,you can't live that way forever.

SO, the new goal for me and for you if you want it is to find a realistic way of living, still being aware of food and how much you consume and making a commitment to train at least 4 days a week and on a 5th day do something outside. As well as, prepping food for the week on Sundays or paying Insane Nutrition (sorry, had to plug it) to cook and prep for you. Avoid eating out because you really have no way of tracking it and try and live by the 90/10 rule. During the month, you eat 90% perfect and 10% fun so if you break that down you get 3 days a month that you can enjoy a cheat meal, so you figure about one day a weekend. If you've been thinking about something go get it, but until that day stay focused. You still get to indulge but you've planned it. Maybe it's that bridal shower you're planning to attend or a date night at the movies.

This last week I stopped feeling sorry for myself and moved forward. I have new personal goals which I've written down in a journal as well as making a list of all the things I like about working out (Thank you Alice). That way if I'm being lazy I can look at my list and remember why I need to go. I also made a decision to cut out dairy because it bugs me and my tummy was so much happier without it. My meal plan has similar foods as I was eating during my show, however, Ive incorporated a little more realistic items that I enjoy like Trader Joes Coconut Cranberry Granola with Vanilla Coconut Milk....might sound gross but I love anything coconut. I just make sure to only eat one serving of each and that it fits into the totals Geoff has set up for me.

Life is short, no one is perfect. We all have our shit....some talk about it (clearly me) others aren't so verbal. We are all walking around trying to be the best versions of ourselves....some of us will accomplish our goals and others will remain the same. I know firsthand how you MUST do the work to make the changes. It won't happen overnight (it took me 7 long weeks to see any changes) but if we continue and don't give up it will happen and it's a really amazing feeling when it does. I choose to not beat myself up for any poor choices I have made in the last couple weeks and work on finding a balance.....oh, and Jenna Dewan Tatum really? lunges and calf raises across the baby nursery while rocking your child to sleep? .....ya, how much sleep were you getting with that 24 hour nanny? Just sayin....love your show, but wtf.

Insane Bikini Momma

Season Finale- Bikini Shows Are Hysterical, The Spin Bike Gave Me Hemorroids And I Need This Magda Tan To Fade Like Now.

OMG where do I even begin.......

First off, how has 6 months come and gone?! As I lie here thinking about my life during my "bikini momma transformation", a lot of emotions hit me....I honestly don't know how I managed my life and the training and the eating and the baby all at once. I put the "can't complain, gotta keep going, can't give up, don't feel sorry for myself" hat on and managed to survive I guess. I had to ask for help and call in favors and kinda live a little selfishly during the process. My business partner had to take on more responsibilities, Colton had to sometimes be shlepped to and from friends and families houses and miss naps, and my husband had to deal with the fact that he was pretty much getting ignored unless I had a food or workout question. Everyone worked hard to make sure I succeeded and I couldn't have done it without them. I have to say that I'm almost sad it's over....is that nuts?! Geez....what the fuck is wrong with me....lets move on to the show gossip...that's way more exciting.

Let me start on the night before the show.....we packed all our crap, drove to Culver City, checked in to our hotel (which by the way, the Doubletree made us sign a waiver that we wouldnt spray tan in the hotel room and if we did it was a $500 fine...let's just say I hope they don't turn the sheets over or move the vanity chair...shit....).

We had to meet for check in's at 630pm so the people in charge could look at our suits and make sure our bottoms covered at least half our ass, which no one ever checked by the way. They measured me for height class and somehow I lost an inch and a half making it into the 5'4-5'6 category (I swear im 5'7 but whatever). There were perfect body bitches everywhere, bad tans galore, and hotel front desk people who were looking around like they were observing circus animals. We carb loaded all night, hardly drank any water and got like 3 hours of sleep before we had to wake up for makeup and hair by 4am the next morning.

Oh wait, I forgot the part where Geoff drove me to Target so I could buy a funnel to pee in.....you can really fuck up a tan while peeing...but we'll get to that again later.

I'd like to put this out there....the tan used for our competition is NOT the solution we use to tan our clients! We are not in denial, we don't think that looked good, it's the color you must have for those bright stage lights, but seriously people....those pics are bad for business!! Ahhhh!!

Oh, did I mention I got hemorroids from the spin bike? No? well, I'm all about a good overshare.

Let me next say that these crazy chicks backstage at the show were pretty intense. PEOPLE BROUGHT THEIR OWN TALL LENGTH MIRRORS AND CARRIED THEM AROUND!!! Like, so they could just set up anywhere and have a place to primp. Some girls were using them to walk up to and practice posing (and taking up half the fucking walkway), others would walk away for a minute so I'd steal some time in their mirror and they'd return looking at me like, "what the fuck?!" and I'd look at them like, "ummm, I'm sorry but you left your mirror alone...soooo I stole some time." Geez.....

My sister told me at the show that her boyfriend's ex girlfriend was also competing and like a good big sister I scoped the chick out. I told her, "dont worry, shes not that cute...kinda has a flat ass"....ya, well then  later....she won the show :/  Fuck...sorry Bear. You're still better.

So the pee funnel came in handy, because there were more pee accidents on these bikini girls than you can even imagine.There was a spot outside where there were airbrush ladies fixing and buffing out pee streaks before girls hit the stage....it was hysterical and kinda awesome, especially if they had better bodies than you. (For all you who are confused about the peeing problem...let me break it down..when you have no hair down there your pee has nothing to catch on to hence sending some trickles down all different directions and wiping out your fresh tan).

Well, I worked my shit on stage, hungry, yet full of rice cakes and honey and managed to not fall and kill myself in 4 inch heels with a sprained ankle. I have no idea where I placed, but didn't get called out for the top 5 (I told Geoff it's ok if I never know...If I got last place I'll cry, so we'll stay in denial for now and say I placed 6th in my group). I didn't sign up to beat a bunch of competitive girls that have made this a profession. I did this to push myself and make some changes. I do feel like a winner in the end of all this. I had a sassy little photo shoot, I got to wear a blingy pink bikini with heels, I have a whole new body, I'm healthier, I don't crave bad food anymore, I'm excited to go to the gym (ONLY 4 DAYS A WEEK!), and I'm just happier! I feel good in clothes and I have more energy to chase around my crazy child.

Here's to maintaining this new me and finding a balance again, planning cheat days so I feel like a human being and continuing my success in and out of the gym. Geoff and I will be planning a free seminar at the gym to anyone interested on finding out how I got in shape and what my food looked like. If you're in the Orange County area and interested let us know so I keep you on our invite list!

I want to say thank you so much to everyone for all the support and encouragement on my blog and facebook. I couldn't have done it without all my amazing cheerleaders. I will be continuing my blog about fitness and food, as well as, incorporating beauty while attempting to make you laugh! So stay tuned!!!! And dont be afraid to follow me!! :)

Some pics from my shoot and the show.....in case I didn't blow up Facebook enough ;)

 And dont forget...just 8 months ago this was me......

And this is what I wanted to look like.....

And this is what I did......

Insane Bikini Momma

1 Week Out!!!!! I Can't Believe This Is Really Happening And How Did I Not Give Up 5 Months Ago!!??!

 It's crazy to think that this whole self discovery, put myself to the test, be a better me, 6 month journey is coming to a close, although, let's face it....the journey will never really end....I now have this new lifestyle I've adopted that I will need to maintain. Otherwise, that 38 lbs will come rollin back on. That's the thing about diets....you do it, you stop doing it and then you're back where you started. If that's the way you look at it, It'll be a never ending cycle that just continues...you need to make this shit your life....sadly, you must change if you want to see change...I guess that kinda goes for everything in life.

When I look back at the beginning of all this and read my earliest blog entries, I realize that I've changed so much. My outlook on social events, food, exercise, my body and my life have completely been reborn, shall I say....After months of living without many of the things we love on a daily basis like wine, sweets and cheese I have broken this cycle of "needing" these foods to feel good, to decompress and to celebrate. I have learned to use other resources than food to indulge in and feel comforted by. We all love a couple glasses of wine, but do I really need to drink the whole bottle...alone...on a daily basis...no....
Why not get motivated and get shit done in the house, why not get in your car and go to the gym or take your dog for a walk, why not have girlfriends over for coffee, why not write up your to do list for the week so you get productive, why not play and read to your baby.....go get a massage to relax or take a warm bath...there are more ways to deal with your fucked up day than drown yourself in crap at happy hour which will only make you feel worse 12 hours later and a size bigger in your jeans...Believe me, I know :/

The really odd thing is, when you start working out consistently and prepping your food and eating clean your life somehow doesn't seem so tough or stressfull or depressing. You kinda go to this "I'm so awesome" place and you never really come down from it...you have control, a new found strength within yourself and seriously no one can put out this fire you got goin on, BUT I'm not gonna lie...it takes time..it doesn't happen tomorrow...for me it took 7 weeks..7 long, tear filled, fucked up weeks before I saw and felt a difference. Most of us quit before that and the elite ones are those that keep going no matter how they feel, what their friends say, how hard it is to get to the gym or how bad their day was at work. They make it happen one way or another to be the best version of themselves.

That was my goal...in the beginning of all this..to be the best version of myself....I'm turning 34 next week and I had a baby 16 months ago. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, that I could be elite and to possibly inspire other women in the same way that I've been inspired by others. I still really can't believe I made it....this whole thing is kinda surreal. I've learned a lot about myself that I didn't know in these past 6 months about how much more strength and dedication and heart I have. I have trained sometimes twice a day, cut even calorie free sweeteners out of my diet along with pretty much all sugar, dairy, and alcohol. While planning and hosting events, working on my business, caring for Colton full time and prepping and packing my food. Now, in a different world where no bikini show exists there is not such a need for perfection and double cardio...no need to cut everything out of your diet, but for the purpose of doing this show and expecting some insane results in 6 months a girl had to do what a girl had to do. However, this just makes me realize how TOTALLY DO ABLE a normal gym schedule and meal plan is!

My show is 6 days away and I feel excited yet sick to my stomach. I have everything ready to go, except my sprained ankle is slightly challenged in my 4 inch heels....please send good thoughts my way on Saturday that I'll walk gracefully. At this point, I look like I have a stick up my ass.

Well, I'll end this entry saying this....I'm a little nervous about what lies ahead as far as finding a balance after this show. There is no way to maintain this lifestyle for more than 6 months and 1 day sooooo I will have new challenges in store for me, but I will continue to work at it, and to always have the goal of being the best version of myself. I can't compete with someone else...we are all different....I think being the best YOU is a pretty awesome and attainable goal :)

Insane Bikini Momma