Week 12- Douchy Selfies And A Sore Vagina

It's almost 2pm as I lay and write this weeks entry overlooking my beach front property and listening to the sounds of the waves........

Oh...... I mean overlooking my Placentia condo dog pee patio and enjoying the sounds of the near by oil rig, but one can pretend can't they?......My baby's napping quietly, Geoff is also fucking napping and I'm on my weekly rant....

First off, Paleo is stupid. Of course in my opinion, but let's face it, I've been doing this for 12 weeks so at this point I'm considered a professional. Let me tell you why....Sure, I'll eat like a caveman, cause our stomachs probably break down food the same, and let me go down to the local meat market and buy a pound of buffalo and cook it with bacon and quail eggs, oh and some venison. And I'll eat that shit for the rest of my life cause I can afford weekly, fresh cuts of wildlife and organic fruits and veggies. As well as, every coconut item (flour, oil, milk) that can only be found at the most expensive grocery stores. And hope and pray that you become really skinny and amazing, because you'll need to become America's Next Top Model quick, as now you're homeless and broke. Or find an exotic island like Tom Hanks in "Cast Away," cause that shit's free there.

On to Cardio. It continues 4 days a week and is soooo amazing btw...Especially a stationary bike. That's not only a leg crusher it's also a vagina/ass bone destroyer. I'm sorry but WHO (Amanda Gordon) is paying for cycling classes?! I'd rather be gang raped ( OK, maybe not) but it's horrible....I'd take a root canal instead for sure. And running?! Who does this for fun?! Who actually signs up for a marathon or a 10k?! You people are on crack and have clearly never heard of "sleep, relaxation, massage, tv, or shopping!".... Cardio is bullshit. I know I need it, I'm gonna do it, but I hate it and playing " Fighter" by Christina Aguilera on my iPod on repeat is a necessity.

My food is pretty much the same as last week except I've switched out lunch and dinner for a taco bowl cause we ran out of chicken and had turkey in the fridge. I haven't had sugar in 12 weeks and I don't drink anymore ( I know....you REALLY wanna be friends with me. Let's hang out). But when I was and able to save the calories, I measured out no more than 4 oz ( which btw in a pinch, a baby bottle is a perfect little measuring cup on the go...just sayin).

And I feel like this week was a graduation week of some sorts because I wore PINK PANTS to the gym...not sweat pants but a Capri spandex lil number that required a seamless nude thong. Not sure what I was thinking ( actually I was thinking I was Amanda Gordon..no need to Google...20 something, great legs sister), but I thought if I've been working my ass off then possibly I've earned pink pants? ....Only problem was making sure throughout my entire workout that I was standing up straight, sucking in the tummy, tightening the butt and avoiding camel toe at all possible. But Natasha and I came up with a camel toe code word just incase.....I mean, what are girlfriends for anyway.

                                                      We're good....no camel toe....

Geoff told me this week that soon I will be doing an hour of cardio plus classes plus 10 minutes of rowing while at the same time taking away food. Here's the thing....I thought doing a bikini show would get me into shape and lean me out and I'd be in the best shape of my life, but, I kinda envisioned eating better, going to TI classes, taking walks, hiking, talking....I am basically SCA-REWED...waaaaaahhhhh.

Well, here's to no "white stuff," long runs in hopefully an air conditioned space, cycling while incorporating a sweatshirt under my ass and giving it my all.....just 106 days and counting.....while raising a baby....and a dog...and....a husband...and no alcohol.

Yep.....I got this....

Insane Bikini Momma

Week 11- Man, I got Issues.

Let me begin this last weeks rant by telling you all about my problems ( I mean, compared to some I may not even have any real problems...like Jaycee Duggard...she had some REAL problems...if you don't know who that is don't google it...it'll ruin your day).

 I really can't blame my so called problems on my clean eating since at 11 weeks I'm kinda gettin used to this. I don't really miss sugar that much, surprisingly, but I do miss the occasional lazy days on the couch watching some ridiculous reality show while downing a bag of chips or Cheese-its not keeping count of how many I've put in my mouth, but those days are behind me. I have made an oath to myself to change my life and eat better and I'm pretty sure the Cheese-its got me in this mess...or the pizza...or the In N Out..or the cake...shit....moving on.

As my friend Melissa Loya says, "I'm surprised your dog hasn't made it in a Sarah McLaughlin infomercial yet for everything he's done." Let me just tell you that my dog is a dick. Now, I don't abuse animals, but Oliver has made me a crazy person and contributed to my mental breakdown. Not only does he shit and piss in my house AFTER I try to take him out and he doesnt go, but he lifts his leg on my childs bedroom door and pees on it. I'm pretty sure thats more of a "fuck you" to Colton than it is to me. And when I let him out on our patio for some fresh air, he likes to PEE off the balcony and create a waterfall effect and anyone walking under my patio gets a little refreshing mist. Not only does he have a bathroom issue at the age of 6, but he manages to get Colton to feed him every piece of food originally meant for my child. I do like the fact that that he poses as a vacuum cleaner in time of need, but i'll tell you what I don't like......
When I come home, cook my dinner, last chicken breast in the house, set my warm dinner on the table, walk away for 2 minutes to put my baby down to sleep so I can finally eat because I'm STARVING and I come back to find that Oliver has EATEN MY FOOD!!! That will create lots of tears and the sudden urge to throw your dog off the pee balcony.

I'd like to mention that we had another wedding to go to this past weekend and luckily I packed some peanut butter balls in my purse as a snack, but the problem with that is, it's not a dinner option. I just think to break out a tupperware meal is against some wedding law and everyone at your table is gonna look at you like a crazy person. It all worked out though, because we only had a babysitter until 8:30 and the buffet opened up to eat close to 8:00, so I told Geoff, "Eat a bread roll fast cause we gotta go." So, that's the trick....if you're trying to eat clean and there are probably no options for you at a wedding buffet, have your grandmother watch your child so you have to be home around 8.

Going back to my problems, I can no longer at this point have carbonated drinks according to my husband slash coach....good luck trying to have enough energy to run 30 minutes, do an hour long class and then row for 5 minutes at a very hard level without an energy drink of some kind. It was my one thing keeping me sane....a Diet Coke or Monster once every couple days.  I gave up cupcakes and candy so, like WTF?!

On another note, I can't believe my baby is a year old..... August 16th, 2013 was the year anniversary of me squeezing this full head of hair baby out of my vagina and having no clue what on earth I was supposed to do with him. Since then, I've become quite the professional mom toting my child wherever I go, although, still wondering how it's taken a year for me to get back into shape, questioning the universe as to why I still have this brown pregnancy line down my stomach and wondering how I can zap some of these damn spider veins off my legs....Thank you Colton.

For those of you who are wondering what I'm eating, this is how it goes:

Breakfast: 2 eggs and half Adelle's Chicken Sausage. Cup of tea with Splenda.

Snack- Banana,1 cup strawberries and 1 Chobani greek yogurt ( including dairy this week..for me, it didn't make much of a difference).

Lunch- 3 cups of Kale, 4 oz. chicken, tsp soy sauce, 2 tbs sunflower seeds, 1 tbs olive oil, squeeze lemon. Really yummy salad when tossed all togehter.

Snack-  2 Peanut Butter Balls (recipe is on my blog)

Snack- Protein shake (Chocolate Cytosport from Costco) and 8 oz water and an apple.

Dinner- 4 oz chicken, 1 cup veggies, 1 cup rice or 1 sweet potato

(I bake sweet potatoes at 400 for about 45 min depending on size. I don't foil them...and for the chicken and veggies I put chicken in a glass dish with lemon and then add diced up zucchini, onion and mushrooms on top and add seasoning to everything..no oil. I bake at 350 for about an hour. Super easy and you can put the extra in tupperware for future dinners. I also love to add pumpkin pie spice and a little splenda to the sweet potato. It's kinda like pumpkin pie :)

I try to eat my last meal before 8pm and sometimes I switch up the order in which im eating them....I may want dinner as lunch or feel like a different snack :) 

Now, these breakdowns are according to my activity level, so I don't suggest eating everything I eat if you can't exercise regularly. However, focusing on eating whole foods that are in their natural state and not packaged or frozen is a good start! I definitely recommend eating my lunch and dinner if it sounds good to you and incorporating a protein shake low in calories along with fruit... You can't really go wrong :)

I'm still 16 weeks out so my food right now is totally do able and thankfully so far my body is responding. This is my first bikini show, so if it's not perfect i'll learn from it, but I just want to be able to get on stage and say that I couldn't have done one more thing better and I busted my ass. Wherever that takes me I'm proud of.....But let's be honest, I'd like to look better than ONE person ;)

Till next week,

Insane Bikini Momma

Week 10- More of my life and, oh ya, a wedding and some other shit.

Hello out there!!! How are you?!

 ...OK, ....NOW BACK TO ME!!....This blog writing thing is a bit narcissistic if you think about it. Like anyone really gives a shit about my weekly routine, and my struggles and my married life, but then again you're the people who watch The Kardashians, and I'm a little like that. Well....except for the mass amounts of money, big houses, nice clothes, several assistants, and trips to Greece. But let's face it, I'm probably more entertaining.

This week for me was pretty succesful! I got back on track from being sick and logged all of my calories per day. I managed to walk 3 miles to the grocery store and back while lugging my dog and child. I even got a dirty whistle from some pedophile van, but I'll take what I can get at this point.

I've switched up my food a bit and I'm focusing on eating "cleaner"....I realize that carb depleting is in my future, so I'm still trying to enjoy the occasional eggo waffle with a tablespoon of peanut butter and half of a banana, but then Geoff reminds me that frozen food is shit even if I log the 80 calories for the waffle. To which I reply, "not fucking fair". To which he gives me a look like, "you wanted to do this". So, I kicked the eggo waffle out and replaced it with oatmeal or rice cakes or Jamie Eason's Carrot Cake Protein Bars, which are amazing and you should Google, and if you happen to watch her video or see her picture, you,  A) may have the motivation you need to walk out the door and go to the gym before making those bars or B) gorge yourself with pizza because life has been so unfair to everyone but her....clearly.
 (Note: after proof reading this to Geoff, he said Jamie Eason had breast cancer soooo I take it back :/)

In case you're wondering, kale is my new favorite thing. I've been making lots of fun salads full of quinoa, chicken, nuts, grated parmesan, and veggies. Geoff laughs when he looks over at me while making my kale salads and asks, "what are you doing?" I then tell him, "I'm massaging the kale." But seriously, you have to! You have to take a tablespoon of olive oil and rub it into the kale leaves, otherwise it's like a crunchy weed.

I've upped my cardio this week per my slave driver husband, and this is what it looks like:

4 days Train Insane classes
3 days rowing 5 minutes as fast as possible
3 days of 30 minute running or cycling
(then die, barf, cry)

On a lighter, sweeter note, Geoff's cousin got married this last Saturday and I managed to squeeze my bod into a size small Forever 21 dress and rock very high heels, which I haven't worn since before I got pregnant for obvious reasons. My husband was adorable in his seersucker suit and between his outfit and my fake diamonds and tangerine lipstick with big lashes we looked like that douche couple from Miami...but we rocked it.

We sat at a table that I'm pretty sure had every old person over the age of 75, but just so you know, that's a really amazing thing. They are FULL of compliments.They all wished they were young again living vicariously through us, asking questions about our lives and wanting to see pictures of Colton....One of the ladies at the table said to me, " You know who you look like?...that girl from Mad Men....January Jones!"...well, hot damn lady, I'll take it!

Now, I'm gonna confess and say that I didn't pack tupperware at this wedding. I had pre-ordered the chicken because I thought I may not be able to eat the sides, but, if I know wedding food there's at least a salad with no dressing that I can add my chicken to and worst case I'll eat a bread roll with the chicken if the salad has dressing and My Fitness Pal can guesstimate the calories. I mean, it's one night......
Well..........it was a complete fail because the chicken came breaded and everything I had planned in my mind went wrong! My husband saw I may cry, so him being selfless (or afraid of a possible breakdown) gave me his steak, which I then added to the salad dressing- free salad and I was WINNING ;)

 Note to self: Be prepared wherever I go, because I don't know shit.

Moving on, I'm learning new things everyday about food and my body. For example, I found getting rid of the Luna bar I was eating per day really made a difference in my weight loss. I think it's a better choice than Carls Jr, but there is definitely something to eating cleaner foods in their natural state. This new week I'm cutting out dairy to see how I feel. It really is a process of elimination and seeing what works and what doesn't. I now have a cooler in the back of my car full of drinks and food so when I'm running errands I just open my trunk and tailgate....I have no shame....people look at me like I'm nuts, but hey, if the end of the world comes you'll wanna be in my car...just sayin.

Lastly, I wanna give a quick shout out to my sister Leah, who is trying this eating cleaner thing and prepping her food on Sundays. Her week was super successful because she planned it all out. Now, shes a single mom with a very diva-ish 4 year old who leaves for work in the early morning and shleps her kid to school while she puts in a good 10 hours before she gets home. She is the sole provider for her and her daughter because she decided to have sex with a man who doesn't like to work and pay, but that's a story for another day. Point is, she is JUST as busy as you ...so get it done.

Oh, and I ate a few Kettle chips on Sunday and our friend David asked me, " Are you gonna blog that you ate that?" So since I'm real and David's a dick, I'm blogging that I ate a few chips (but I did include them in my calorie total thank you very much). So, now you all know I'm imperfect, however, David, if you're reading this, I'm telling Kayla to ban all sexual favors.

Good night my friends,

Insane Bikini Momma

Week 9- Kim K, you are such a liar. Oh, and some new shit about me.

Hello blog reading world!!

This week in my bikini transformation life was super lame. Monday I made it to the gym and then Monday night I caught a damn cold/ flu combo. I was down and out for the entire week and had already planned a trip up north to visit my mom for her all girls weekend, which consists of her kicking my poor step dad out to live with the neighbors for the weekend while she entertains a bunch of women who come ready to drink, eat, lay half naked in the sun, and do art projects.....well, lets be honest, my 26 year old sister and her 22 year old friend were the only ones lying half naked in the sun topless with thongs....must be nice......no responsibilities, no stretch marks, no fat, good tans....go fuck yourselves....

Ok, got off subject on my hater for young, perfect people rant, but my point was I felt like shit. I barely got a workout in and all I could manage to stomach was soup, crackers and fruit. Being sick sucks and I'm pretty sure I'm a perfect candidate for sickness since I'm on a calorie deficit and forgot to take my damn multivitamin for an entire week :/

One thing I have to mention is this Kim Kardashian situation. She apparently sent a video to her moms new show saying, " I wish I could be there, but I'm just loving this mom thing a little too much at home right now." ....Kim, you are a big liar! Let's please tell the truth....Kim thought this weight thing was temporary and it would melt off as soon the baby popped out. She's now finding she's bigger than ever and could not possibly step foot outdoors, because god forbid paparazzi took photos of her and they ended up on the cover of every US Weekly magazine. She needs to hide so when she DOES come out of hiding she's been starving herself on precooked, premeasured meals and had a trainer kicking her ass at her home gym and she can pretend she's looked like that since week 2 post baby. And I'm sorry, I love my child and was so excited to be a mom and bond with my baby, but a girl needs a damn break! A lunch out, a breather, time to herself, time to feel like a human again and it would be nice if Kim could be real! I would love to hear a celeb have a baby and then post a video saying, " Look, I'm not comin out for a long time, because this shit is fucked up and I'm enormous and awaiting my diet premade meals and my trainer is gonna kill me in the gym tomorrow and I want to run away from this new life...oh, but my baby is really sweet and cute and I would'nt change anything...but WHAT THE FUCK!?"

....Jenny McCarthy would probably say that.

Anyway, I still feel like dog shit and attempted to hit the gym yesterday ( bad idea). One of our amazing members made me soup, but what the fuck, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S IN IT!!! How do you ask nicely without being a complete diva, "Excuse me, can you please tell me everything that you put in it? Like, actually, can you just write it down and include the proper measurements? Cause it looks really fucking good, BUT I CANT EAT IT!!! AHHHH!". #fitgirlproblems

I've just come to terms with the fact that I may not get more amazing this week. I'm taking care of myself, logging calories, aiming for success, but my health is more important so I'm listening to my body. Plus, I feel like I have Vertigo all of a sudden...god, Im a freakin mess.

And lastly, If you've decided to sign up for a bikini show after having a baby and you're only giving yourself 6 months, don't Google Image " Excalibur Bikini Competition." It will lead to excessive xanax taking and the possible urge to drink 3 bottles of wine, because those bitches are your competition....mother fuckers.

Here's to 400 meter walking lunges next week ;)

Signing off,

Insane Bikini Momma