Week 15- The Truth About Prepping For A Bikini Show And Some Other Funky Shit.

I'm runnin a  little behind this week with my blog due to the fact that my child is a teething monster who constantly cries, doesn't sleep, wont eat, has a really awesome diaper rash, and is driving me totally crazy. He clearly doesn't care that my #1 fans have no clue what is going on in my life...I mean, you all could be missing some serious good shit here! Well, we wont waist anymore time...here's a recap:

First off, I'm about 12 weeks out for this bikini show! My workouts have increased and now I'm doing 2-a-days. Cardio, lunges, sled pushes, arms, shoulders in the morning and then class at night 4 days a week. What the fuck was I thinking seriously with a 1 year old....If I was a single person, this would be totally doable. With Colton it's a damn juggling nightmare. I could use a full time, unpaid, gym nanny please, although, perhaps his father has already taken this position as he refers to watching our child as "babysitting."

Moving on, my food hasn't changed much..still on 1700 calories. Just being extremely ocd about measuring and counting every speck of food and by now it's really a no brainer. No processed food, no dairy, no carbonated drinks, no sugar, no alcohol. Peanut Butter is still keeping me sane. I thank mother nature for peanuts and all their goodness. Trying to choke down water on a daily basis but I just don't care for it.....Only way I can even get close to half a gallon is if I add those liquid Blue Raspberry Crystal Light drops, but then if you have too much you've got really bad gas for the remainder of the day ;/ good luck jumproping with that shit going on.

And while were on the subject of bodily problems, big tits and running don't agree even with the most ridiculously expensive sports bras and sweaty vaginas in tight spandex pants while doing the spin bike 4 days a week is a problem. Just sayin...hypothetically speaking of course. If I could make a couple suggestions to anyone who may care....don't chew so much gum in place of sweets that you think you may have TMJ and your gastro intestinal system is responding similar to the Crystal Light drops problem, lock up your naughty drawer so when your child decides he's over his zillion toys all over your house he doesn't bring your sex toys out to the living room for your guests to enjoy...once again, hypothetically speaking of course, and don't plan a bikini show where the strictest part of your diet and workouts is during Halloween and Thanksgiving...fuck.

And by the way, if you plan on doing a bikini show I'd research the cost of all this crap before hand. Not only is it $200 just to participate, but you've gotta pay for jewelry, stripper heels, Jamaican color tanning solution, posing workshops, hair extensions and my suit alone is $230! Yes, please, let me workout like a crazy person, not eat anything fun AND pay a fortune for it....I guess you have to be extremely narcissistic to sign up for this shit, because that's the only thing you get....a hot body to stare in the mirror at and take douchy selfies to post on facebook so all your friends can see how amazing you've become....eh, I'll take it.


Insane Bikini Momma

Words Of Wisdom From Yours Truly....I'm Like The Dalai Lama.

After I posted my " Girls can have muscle too" blog this week, a few girls wrote me about how they too have experienced other women's verbal attacks about their bodies and how they "shouldn't lift weights anymore"....just "run and do yoga or something" because their too "bulky."  I'm sorry, but who are these people giving such educated advice? Do they work in the fitness industry? Have they studied the body? What makes these women such damn experts? Funny how it's less likely for men to give this advice or pass this judgement, but rather women, who share our same insecurities, are the ones that are making other women feel like shit. Aren't we suppose to stick together and support each other? WTF is wrong with people?! I just recently "defriended" someone on face book because of a comment they made on one of my friends photos that I was tagged in. My friend has been training her ass off for a figure competition and looks amazing. Someone I knew wrote, "ugg-a-lee". I was mortified. After I apologized to my friend for the horrible comment, she said, with such a good attitude, "It's ok! Muscle aint for everybody." This may be true, but why make someone else feel bad about something they may be proud of? And it's always the miserable people that have to comment on shit that doesn't concern them.

I'd like to share a couple things with you all....an education of some sorts from research I've been doin online....I pretty much have a masters degree now..just sayin.

As you know, this is what society thinks looks good....

 Women don't wanna lift weights, because they think this will happen...( this requires a lot of food, work and drugs btw).

When in reality, this is what will happen...That is, if you eat a clean diet, work out consistently and take classes at Train Insane Gym :)

If it's so bad, why does Jessica do it?

And Cameron?

And Kelly?

And Jennifer?

And I mean, my god, they just look awful....so "bulky".

 

 

They do it because they feel good and they rock strong bodies and they want to be healthy for their families and muscle doesn't scare them and they reject the stereotypes and refuse society's standards. Maybe their bodies genetically are athletic and maybe they can't help but build muscle easily. Maybe some of them weren't gifted with being 5'11 or naturally having long legs. What I've learned is that you can't morph into something you're not. My sisters are taller and naturally longer than I am. I mean for gods sake, Leah's hips are at my tits! I'll never have that type of shape. My body is more athletic. If I try, I build muscle pretty easily. I will never be a runway model and I'm okay with that. But! I will be the best version of myself and I'll friggin work what I've got to offer and not be afraid of a strong body for cryin out loud!
 

Ladies, love yourselves and love your bodies. Don't let others dictate how you feel about yourself. Don't change for anyone else but you. If you're not happy, do something...change it.....but don't let some skinny hater bitch in the bathroom or a scrawny, mean boyfriends mom or your anti weight lifting friends make you feel like you need to fix something that's wrong with you. I never knew looking like an athlete made you a weirdo..god forbid you can actually escape a rapist using your own body weight by climbing out of a tall locked dungeon....

Ok, I may watch too much "Law and Order" but that shit can happen....and bitches, I'ma be ready for it!

Insane Bikini Momma

Week 14- Girls Can Have Muscle Too And Sleds Aren't Just For Santa Apparently.

As I lie here reflecting on this past week, lots of things come to mind. For one, I am so sick of women making other women feel bad about lifting weights. I just can't even believe that there's this stupid stereotype that if you lift weights and get stronger, that you're gonna become a man. Look people....if you eat a lot of food..I mean a lot....and lift a ton and mix that with some testosterone, than yes...you will look scary and no one will recognize your phone voice, but what world are we living in that god forbid a woman can do a real pull up or she strives for more than just making dinner and cleaning up after her messy ass family. And if you're the person that said Courtney Mahaffey looks "bulky" then SHAME ON YOU....let me introduce you to Courtney....She works out and she's a stud and if this is "bulky" then we're all fucked.

Courtney, I love you for allowing me to use you to educate stupid people..thank you very much.

Moving on...I, for what ever reason, had a really annoying week and it took everything I had to not break open a bottle of wine or stuff myself with cake. But I didn't....I realized that that will only destroy what I've worked so hard for these past 14 weeks. But in my defense, when pulling up to get gas and putting the nozzle in my gas tank and pressing that "lock" so you dont have to hold it (which by the way, NEVER works), someone poked holes in the hose because gas was spraying out sideways and all over my damn clothes and I literally had to hose my full dressed body off on the side of the 76 station. I cant make this shit up...And to make it worse, I was on my way to an important meeting for my beauty business smelling like a gas station. Hours later my child threw my phone at my face and broke a beer bottle all over the floor....who'd a known a 1 year old could be an abusive alcoholic.

In light of the 9/11 anniversary , I have put my life in perspective. It's easy to be overwhelmed and feel like you have no alone time as a parent and a wife and struggle with the dreams that we, as once independent women had. I am trying to support my husband with his dreams, raise my child full time at home, also have my own business, so I am contributing to this world and making myself the best that I can be inside and out. This shit's tough...But I realize that there are people in this world who have huge heartbreak and survived unimaginable loss or gave birth to a child with an illness and I, right then and there, stop....stop complaining, stop feeling sorry for myself and move forward. I focus on the positive and I thank the universe for the life I've somehow created for myself...all of the paths that led me here...and I can't help but smile.

But oh ya....this is a fitness blog not a "bring the house down, talk about depressing shit blog" sooooo back to me and my body....

This week Geoff once again added some ridiculous shit. He bought a sled...And I don't mean a really cute, red Santa Clause situation. I mean a silver, sled shaped thing that you put extra weight on and push it forward while running. And if that weren't bad enough, he added pushups and overhead ball situps in between. Oh, and don't forget about the extra cardio and classes I'm taking each week. Im 14 weeks out, sooooo I guess we have to turn this shit up! My food has changed a little as I'm not eating any dairy, carbonated drinks, processed food, sugar ( I still have fruit) or alcohol. I friggin miss cheese....and wine...and red velvet cupcakes.....damn, why is life so cruel.

This is what I'm eating until Geoff tells me I can't , which by the way, will ruin any chance of him getting laid...just sayin....don't fuck with my peanut butter ;/

Breakfast:
Rice Cake with 1 tbs Peanut butter and 1 tsp honey
Tea with Splenda

Snack:
2 peanut butter balls
banana

Lunch:
Kale Salad (fuji apple, sunflower seeds, olive oil, balsamic, lemon) with 4 oz chicken
3 Omega 369 capsules (one with each big meal...damn horse pills if you ask me)

Snack: Protein shake with water and 1 cup of berries

Dinner:
 Taco bowl- 6 oz ground turkey, 1/2 cup brown rice, 1/2 cup black beans and salsa

I actually look forward to some of my meals and when you haven't had sugar your once "really gross chocolate protein shake" is now actually really darn good. And the 3 days of extra cardio has really helped my endurance in class. To all you Train Insaners, if you lag in the metcons or running is really a challenge for you, get out for 30 minutes 3 days a week and run or ride your bike....I swear it's made a huge difference in how I feel at the gym. But if you ride a bike, use a damn bike lane....I hate that shit.

Nighty Night,

Insane Bikini Momma

Mason Jar Overnight Oatmeal!! Yummmm!

These look so delish! I'm gonna make some this week!

For the recipe click here!

August 1st to September 1st progress photos!!

Insane Bikini Momma's Favorite Crockpot Breakfast

Crockpot Breakfast Casserole!!

There are so many easy ways to cook breakfast, but not all of them are in a rush...Especially if you're cooking eggs. I love to have something on the go that I can literally eat in the car on my way to the gym. So, this is a super easy recipe that you can cook overnight and it's ready by morning!!

If you're eating super clean, you can change the ingredients up a bit, but for now I'm adding some cheese and egg yolks :)

6 EGGS
6 EGGWHITES
1 DICED WHITE ONION
3 ADELLE HABANERO CHICKEN SAUSAGE (In natural meat section at any grocery store)
4 OZ SHREDDED SHARP CHEDDER
1 PACKAGE OF FROZEN PLAIN HASH BROWNS (Trader Joes has a great frozen one)

Spray crockpot with non stick spray.
Add hash browns on the bottom.
Put sausage on skillet and brown, then add on top of hash browns.
Throw cheese on, then add egg and onion mixture to top.

Cook on low for 9 hours and serve! Makes 8 servings realistically.

253 calories, 12 grams fat, 17 grams protein, 18 grams carbs.

ENJOY!!

Insane Bikini Momma