Season Finale- Bikini Shows Are Hysterical, The Spin Bike Gave Me Hemorroids And I Need This Magda Tan To Fade Like Now.

OMG where do I even begin.......

First off, how has 6 months come and gone?! As I lie here thinking about my life during my "bikini momma transformation", a lot of emotions hit me....I honestly don't know how I managed my life and the training and the eating and the baby all at once. I put the "can't complain, gotta keep going, can't give up, don't feel sorry for myself" hat on and managed to survive I guess. I had to ask for help and call in favors and kinda live a little selfishly during the process. My business partner had to take on more responsibilities, Colton had to sometimes be shlepped to and from friends and families houses and miss naps, and my husband had to deal with the fact that he was pretty much getting ignored unless I had a food or workout question. Everyone worked hard to make sure I succeeded and I couldn't have done it without them. I have to say that I'm almost sad it's over....is that nuts?! Geez....what the fuck is wrong with me....lets move on to the show gossip...that's way more exciting.

Let me start on the night before the show.....we packed all our crap, drove to Culver City, checked in to our hotel (which by the way, the Doubletree made us sign a waiver that we wouldnt spray tan in the hotel room and if we did it was a $500 fine...let's just say I hope they don't turn the sheets over or move the vanity chair...shit....).

We had to meet for check in's at 630pm so the people in charge could look at our suits and make sure our bottoms covered at least half our ass, which no one ever checked by the way. They measured me for height class and somehow I lost an inch and a half making it into the 5'4-5'6 category (I swear im 5'7 but whatever). There were perfect body bitches everywhere, bad tans galore, and hotel front desk people who were looking around like they were observing circus animals. We carb loaded all night, hardly drank any water and got like 3 hours of sleep before we had to wake up for makeup and hair by 4am the next morning.

Oh wait, I forgot the part where Geoff drove me to Target so I could buy a funnel to pee in.....you can really fuck up a tan while peeing...but we'll get to that again later.

I'd like to put this out there....the tan used for our competition is NOT the solution we use to tan our clients! We are not in denial, we don't think that looked good, it's the color you must have for those bright stage lights, but seriously people....those pics are bad for business!! Ahhhh!!

Oh, did I mention I got hemorroids from the spin bike? No? well, I'm all about a good overshare.

Let me next say that these crazy chicks backstage at the show were pretty intense. PEOPLE BROUGHT THEIR OWN TALL LENGTH MIRRORS AND CARRIED THEM AROUND!!! Like, so they could just set up anywhere and have a place to primp. Some girls were using them to walk up to and practice posing (and taking up half the fucking walkway), others would walk away for a minute so I'd steal some time in their mirror and they'd return looking at me like, "what the fuck?!" and I'd look at them like, "ummm, I'm sorry but you left your mirror alone...soooo I stole some time." Geez.....

My sister told me at the show that her boyfriend's ex girlfriend was also competing and like a good big sister I scoped the chick out. I told her, "dont worry, shes not that cute...kinda has a flat ass"....ya, well then  later....she won the show :/  Fuck...sorry Bear. You're still better.

So the pee funnel came in handy, because there were more pee accidents on these bikini girls than you can even imagine.There was a spot outside where there were airbrush ladies fixing and buffing out pee streaks before girls hit the stage....it was hysterical and kinda awesome, especially if they had better bodies than you. (For all you who are confused about the peeing problem...let me break it down..when you have no hair down there your pee has nothing to catch on to hence sending some trickles down all different directions and wiping out your fresh tan).

Well, I worked my shit on stage, hungry, yet full of rice cakes and honey and managed to not fall and kill myself in 4 inch heels with a sprained ankle. I have no idea where I placed, but didn't get called out for the top 5 (I told Geoff it's ok if I never know...If I got last place I'll cry, so we'll stay in denial for now and say I placed 6th in my group). I didn't sign up to beat a bunch of competitive girls that have made this a profession. I did this to push myself and make some changes. I do feel like a winner in the end of all this. I had a sassy little photo shoot, I got to wear a blingy pink bikini with heels, I have a whole new body, I'm healthier, I don't crave bad food anymore, I'm excited to go to the gym (ONLY 4 DAYS A WEEK!), and I'm just happier! I feel good in clothes and I have more energy to chase around my crazy child.

Here's to maintaining this new me and finding a balance again, planning cheat days so I feel like a human being and continuing my success in and out of the gym. Geoff and I will be planning a free seminar at the gym to anyone interested on finding out how I got in shape and what my food looked like. If you're in the Orange County area and interested let us know so I keep you on our invite list!

I want to say thank you so much to everyone for all the support and encouragement on my blog and facebook. I couldn't have done it without all my amazing cheerleaders. I will be continuing my blog about fitness and food, as well as, incorporating beauty while attempting to make you laugh! So stay tuned!!!! And dont be afraid to follow me!! :)

Some pics from my shoot and the show.....in case I didn't blow up Facebook enough ;)

 And dont forget...just 8 months ago this was me......

And this is what I wanted to look like.....

And this is what I did......

Insane Bikini Momma

1 Week Out!!!!! I Can't Believe This Is Really Happening And How Did I Not Give Up 5 Months Ago!!??!

 It's crazy to think that this whole self discovery, put myself to the test, be a better me, 6 month journey is coming to a close, although, let's face it....the journey will never really end....I now have this new lifestyle I've adopted that I will need to maintain. Otherwise, that 38 lbs will come rollin back on. That's the thing about diets....you do it, you stop doing it and then you're back where you started. If that's the way you look at it, It'll be a never ending cycle that just continues...you need to make this shit your life....sadly, you must change if you want to see change...I guess that kinda goes for everything in life.

When I look back at the beginning of all this and read my earliest blog entries, I realize that I've changed so much. My outlook on social events, food, exercise, my body and my life have completely been reborn, shall I say....After months of living without many of the things we love on a daily basis like wine, sweets and cheese I have broken this cycle of "needing" these foods to feel good, to decompress and to celebrate. I have learned to use other resources than food to indulge in and feel comforted by. We all love a couple glasses of wine, but do I really need to drink the whole bottle...alone...on a daily basis...no....
Why not get motivated and get shit done in the house, why not get in your car and go to the gym or take your dog for a walk, why not have girlfriends over for coffee, why not write up your to do list for the week so you get productive, why not play and read to your baby.....go get a massage to relax or take a warm bath...there are more ways to deal with your fucked up day than drown yourself in crap at happy hour which will only make you feel worse 12 hours later and a size bigger in your jeans...Believe me, I know :/

The really odd thing is, when you start working out consistently and prepping your food and eating clean your life somehow doesn't seem so tough or stressfull or depressing. You kinda go to this "I'm so awesome" place and you never really come down from it...you have control, a new found strength within yourself and seriously no one can put out this fire you got goin on, BUT I'm not gonna lie...it takes time..it doesn't happen tomorrow...for me it took 7 weeks..7 long, tear filled, fucked up weeks before I saw and felt a difference. Most of us quit before that and the elite ones are those that keep going no matter how they feel, what their friends say, how hard it is to get to the gym or how bad their day was at work. They make it happen one way or another to be the best version of themselves.

That was my goal...in the beginning of all this..to be the best version of myself....I'm turning 34 next week and I had a baby 16 months ago. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, that I could be elite and to possibly inspire other women in the same way that I've been inspired by others. I still really can't believe I made it....this whole thing is kinda surreal. I've learned a lot about myself that I didn't know in these past 6 months about how much more strength and dedication and heart I have. I have trained sometimes twice a day, cut even calorie free sweeteners out of my diet along with pretty much all sugar, dairy, and alcohol. While planning and hosting events, working on my business, caring for Colton full time and prepping and packing my food. Now, in a different world where no bikini show exists there is not such a need for perfection and double cardio...no need to cut everything out of your diet, but for the purpose of doing this show and expecting some insane results in 6 months a girl had to do what a girl had to do. However, this just makes me realize how TOTALLY DO ABLE a normal gym schedule and meal plan is!

My show is 6 days away and I feel excited yet sick to my stomach. I have everything ready to go, except my sprained ankle is slightly challenged in my 4 inch heels....please send good thoughts my way on Saturday that I'll walk gracefully. At this point, I look like I have a stick up my ass.

Well, I'll end this entry saying this....I'm a little nervous about what lies ahead as far as finding a balance after this show. There is no way to maintain this lifestyle for more than 6 months and 1 day sooooo I will have new challenges in store for me, but I will continue to work at it, and to always have the goal of being the best version of myself. I can't compete with someone else...we are all different....I think being the best YOU is a pretty awesome and attainable goal :)

Insane Bikini Momma