Delirious Cooking

Yep, Im totally the next Rachel Ray........

 

If anyone actually decides to cook these:

Chocolate Banana Pecan Protein Donuts (or cupcakes :)
16 servings
106 calories each
14g carbs
4g fat
6g protein

Insane Bikini Momma

My Child Eats Lip Balm And I Loathe Sky Zone (and many more of my problems)

Geez, this last week was hysterical...like, seriously am I living on another planet and why the fuck do people need to make a mothers life more difficult. I mean, "Hellooooo...do you not see what im workin with here?"

I decided to branch out and try some new things with the kids. Went on some website where 100 inexpensive things to do with your kids was listed, however, an outing to Ikea may be reaching a bit. German horse meatballs and fake living rooms dont seem like much fun and definitely not cheap cause ill leave with 10 new pillows and a "fight with your husband all night putting together dumb ass Ikea shit" book shelf or storage unit.

We first tried Sky Zone in Anaheim and they pretty much hate people...I mean, I dont blame them, but if youre gonna make me sign a 12 page liability release form please don't also harass me about all your damn rules and ask me to "take off my hat" because I could "break someone's neck" with it. I mean, go fuck yourself...I haven't washed my hair in 3 days because I cant get a minute to myself without a small child coming in to annihilate the bathroom, but you wouldn't know about that because you're 17 and your mom still does your laundry......this hat is staying on.....................let's just say Sky Zone didn't go well....and I need wine.

Then there was Tanaka Farms...that fuckin place....$18 bucks for a watermelon tour..where you get to "pick your own watermelon." My name tag even said that..."I got to PICK my own watermelon" But what they dont tell you, is you really don't. After tasting a few garden veggies, one being Cilantro (who just eats a hand full of that without a taco?), you got to walk through a watermelon field, and at the end of it there was a pile of watermelons that were HANDED to you. Like, I stood there waiting for some woman to give me a watermelon and why were the ones growing friggin enormous while we got one that looked like the mini sugar babies sold at Trader Joes with 2 in a bag?! WTF? This chick even says, "Now, everyone hold your watermelons close to your heart because if you drop it I cant guarantee we can get you another one"....Bitch, there's a whole field here!..... And why did my husband just turn on the worst porn to fuck with me while I write my blog...Anyway, moving on.

Then there was the local Irvine pool....packed up the car and drove over....food-check, diapers-check, sunscreen-check, towels-shit, floaties- fuck. I am the worst mother ever...I forgot the actual pool necessities, but not to worry there's a Target down the street. Get in, go buy, shove kids in and out of car, finally get back to pool and the 15 year old lifeguard tells me "no floaties allowed." This is where I lose my shit and turn into a psycho person. My kid also managed to re-open his chin wound at this pool after sitting in the emergency room the week before getting it glued back together. Come to find out it's too late for stitches and my kid will have some big scar and his chin modeling career is over. Oh and he apparently eats EOS lip balm while I drive (please see cleaned plate below)........Geezus.

Then there's my training and food prepping and life as a bikini mom....several women say things to me like, "I wish I had the time, but I just feel guilty leaving my child to go to the gym." Well, does it make me a horrible person that I don't feel bad at all?? Like, I'm counting down the hours some days?? I am all about Colton all the time, but can a mom just plug that ipod into her ears and hear NOTHING else but "Breath of Life" by Florence and The Machine?!!

And then there's my 5 year old niece who wants to listen to #10 on the "Frozen" album in the car on repeat aaaaallll daaaaaay loooooong, and her volume is like a thousand, and she needs a "low ponytail" re-done 9 times a day. My aunt just asked me today if I could be guaranteed a girl would we have another baby....ummmmm NO!!!! There is not enough room in this house for another high maintenance, lipstick wearing, ponytail doing, 2 hour long outfit changing female. Like Jenny McCarthy said, "I know my limits."

Insane Bikini Momma

I Can't Even Title This...Kids, Moms, Dogs, Cars, Life...The End.

First, Id like to say a couple things..... 1) Why does my dog continuously have to shit outside my bedroom window so when I open my curtains to see the sun light I see dog shit. 2) Why do little girls change 9 million times and ask 10 million questions and 3) Whoever said you could eat "anything in moderation" lied their asses off.

I'd like to point out that cars are amazing things by the way...they're adorable, you get to pick a cute one out, they get you to fabulous places, you dont have to take public transportation, but then one morning you wake up to find that your car hates you and wont work so you have to shlep your almost 2 year old son and 5 year old niece to Pep Boys where the boy is running throughout the aisles throwing funnels everywhere while the girl is trying to help and grab him, however, because the boy is too heavy, the girl is dragging him by the neck while he's screaming, all while trying to explain to guy at the maintenance counter that you're having problems...clearly not just car problems.

Let's also talk about "baby carts". Trader Joes is so amazing....they oh so kindly offer a small version of your cart for your crazy child to use while you shop. This is the WORST invention ever. Where they once sat in the available seat in YOUR cart, they now want their own cart to push through the aisles. I initially thought, "oh how cute".. now I want to burn those fucking things. Colton runs through Trader Joes throwing any food items he can reach into the cart...the strawberries are always at an amazing child level, so when he throws those in there, they bust open and go everywhere...but no biggie, Colton's not worried, he'll just eat them off the floor while Trader Joes people are coming up to me asking me if I "need help" ummmm ya think?! I need lots of help...like Xanax help with a shot of Patron....I then collect my child and take the baby cart away and he then proceeds to scream the rest of the time we spend there. It's super awesome....especially when they offer 5 feet of stickers at checkout...like, ya...lets go tag my car interior with all that shit.

If you have a toddler son and you're trying to plant a veggie garden this is a bad idea. You also should NOT let his grandmother give him two toy swords as a gift.....see action sword pic below....

..Mom, are you crazy?!....these will become weapons of mass destruction. I will definitely be bringing these back to your house so he can annihilate your calves with them :)

What I've learned about little girls and little boys thus far..... boys fuck up shit...they can't just hand you something.... they want to throw it at your face.  Girls fuck with your mind. And sleep like this.....with jewels on...

Clearly I'm 7 weeks out to my bikini show and a little edgy. Going to places like the "Packing House" and not being able to indulge in any of the amazing treats makes for a sad day, however, I'm one of those people that for some reason has to ALWAYS be busy. I need challenges and chaos. Maybe it's from growing up in a house with 6 people and 1 bathroom. My mom wont admit it, but she's the same way. Speaking of my mom, she's super talented and creative...she's like a hot hippie abstract painter married to a judge with abs...its kind of hysterical. She lives on a ranch with horses and she's a power woman...she can do anything....except understand my eating habits. While visiting her last week we went to lunch. I brought my Tupperware lunch as bikini chicks do and as the waiter approached me asking what I'd like to order, I kindly said, "I wont be ordering any food, thanks." She then proceeded to tell the waiter that I'm on a "funky, weird mom diet." Did we need to share that? For those of you who dont know my mom let me give you a little back story. My mom says anything that's on her mind..she doesn't hold back or filter....sound familiar? ;)

While growing up, she told the other moms in the PTA that "Jack Hannah, the animal guy made her moist." One time she saw Mike Rowe, the guy from the show "Dirty Jobs" (you know, the hot scruffy guy) in an elevator and looked at him and said, "Mike Rowe?" he said, "Yes" and she continued with "Have I got a dirty job for you." I also recall a very uncomfortable situation where she told a male flight attendant that if he was any cuter "we'd be slipping and sliding in here." Geezus.....she also somehow picks up an accent if talking to someone with one....If you're Irish, she's Irish.

Mom, you need a roast...I love you, but please dont ever make scallop potatoes for me ever again..I liked those when I was 9 and stop having Costco's red velvet cake readily available on the counter when we come home. My 34 year old ass cant handle it. XO.

Insane Bikini Momma