My Child Eats Lip Balm And I Loathe Sky Zone (and many more of my problems)

Geez, this last week was hysterical...like, seriously am I living on another planet and why the fuck do people need to make a mothers life more difficult. I mean, "Hellooooo...do you not see what im workin with here?"

I decided to branch out and try some new things with the kids. Went on some website where 100 inexpensive things to do with your kids was listed, however, an outing to Ikea may be reaching a bit. German horse meatballs and fake living rooms dont seem like much fun and definitely not cheap cause ill leave with 10 new pillows and a "fight with your husband all night putting together dumb ass Ikea shit" book shelf or storage unit.

We first tried Sky Zone in Anaheim and they pretty much hate people...I mean, I dont blame them, but if youre gonna make me sign a 12 page liability release form please don't also harass me about all your damn rules and ask me to "take off my hat" because I could "break someone's neck" with it. I mean, go fuck yourself...I haven't washed my hair in 3 days because I cant get a minute to myself without a small child coming in to annihilate the bathroom, but you wouldn't know about that because you're 17 and your mom still does your laundry......this hat is staying on.....................let's just say Sky Zone didn't go well....and I need wine.

Then there was Tanaka Farms...that fuckin place....$18 bucks for a watermelon tour..where you get to "pick your own watermelon." My name tag even said that..."I got to PICK my own watermelon" But what they dont tell you, is you really don't. After tasting a few garden veggies, one being Cilantro (who just eats a hand full of that without a taco?), you got to walk through a watermelon field, and at the end of it there was a pile of watermelons that were HANDED to you. Like, I stood there waiting for some woman to give me a watermelon and why were the ones growing friggin enormous while we got one that looked like the mini sugar babies sold at Trader Joes with 2 in a bag?! WTF? This chick even says, "Now, everyone hold your watermelons close to your heart because if you drop it I cant guarantee we can get you another one"....Bitch, there's a whole field here!..... And why did my husband just turn on the worst porn to fuck with me while I write my blog...Anyway, moving on.

Then there was the local Irvine pool....packed up the car and drove over....food-check, diapers-check, sunscreen-check, towels-shit, floaties- fuck. I am the worst mother ever...I forgot the actual pool necessities, but not to worry there's a Target down the street. Get in, go buy, shove kids in and out of car, finally get back to pool and the 15 year old lifeguard tells me "no floaties allowed." This is where I lose my shit and turn into a psycho person. My kid also managed to re-open his chin wound at this pool after sitting in the emergency room the week before getting it glued back together. Come to find out it's too late for stitches and my kid will have some big scar and his chin modeling career is over. Oh and he apparently eats EOS lip balm while I drive (please see cleaned plate below)........Geezus.

Then there's my training and food prepping and life as a bikini mom....several women say things to me like, "I wish I had the time, but I just feel guilty leaving my child to go to the gym." Well, does it make me a horrible person that I don't feel bad at all?? Like, I'm counting down the hours some days?? I am all about Colton all the time, but can a mom just plug that ipod into her ears and hear NOTHING else but "Breath of Life" by Florence and The Machine?!!

And then there's my 5 year old niece who wants to listen to #10 on the "Frozen" album in the car on repeat aaaaallll daaaaaay loooooong, and her volume is like a thousand, and she needs a "low ponytail" re-done 9 times a day. My aunt just asked me today if I could be guaranteed a girl would we have another baby....ummmmm NO!!!! There is not enough room in this house for another high maintenance, lipstick wearing, ponytail doing, 2 hour long outfit changing female. Like Jenny McCarthy said, "I know my limits."

Insane Bikini Momma