20 Things A Nice person Should Have Told Me Before I Had A Kid.

1)  Contractions are nothing....you will need an epidural for the pain of no sleep when you actually take that kid home.

2) When your mother tells you to scrub with a hard loofah on your tits to prepare your nipples for nursing...she's not lying.

3) When you're begging your child to walk, just shut the fuck up.

4) Dont EVER wear white again...your kid will shit and barf all over it in two seconds. Black tho?.. they wont touch that.

5)  The bumbo chair is a piece of crap and a waste of $30 bucks....your kids fat thighs wont fit in there.

6) You'll feel like you want to buy every food processor on the market to make homemade baby food, but then you'll realize that shit is ridiculously time consuming, clean up is horrible,  and where the fuck do you store it in your tiny freezer?!

7) Babies hate hats...that little newsie page boy hat is so adorable, but they'll pull it off in three seconds and throw you the bird. And little girl bows? Cute, but remember that the kid weighs 12 lbs, so the flower should weigh less....just sayin.

8) All toys are annoying as fuck...bats, balls, play sets, puzzles....it's all just horrifying. SHIT is everywhere...for birthdays and holidays ask for clothes, an ipad and a dvd player for your car.

9) Your car will turn into a kid mobile full of toys, stroller parts, food, spilled milk and poop....So, when you ask for that new Lexus or Kia "push present" you need to get your head out of your ass.

10) You will now have exactly 5 minutes to shower, brush your hair, put your makeup on and get dressed...OH! but also...that 5 minutes includes getting your kid dressed too. READY SET GO!

11) When your kid takes a bath, it will be the only 10 minutes of peace you will have so just ignore the fact that your kid will splash water everywhere and turn your bathroom into a pool...you will learn not to give a shit....

12) Buy a dog or clean up is a bitch.

13) You will stab any neighbor that wakes your child in the night with a party or barking dog. You will now officially be 100 years old.

14) Do you love TV? Good luck with that shit...Oh, and Netflix? That's so cute that you think you can watch a series back to back without commercials....your child is a never ending commercial.

15) OMG! Your house is so adorable! I love the chandelier candles and cute trays with flowers on your ottoman....you should pack everything up and throw it into oncoming traffic....

16) Make sure you have keys to every lock in the house, because kids love to lock everything and if there are no windows to climb into, you are screeeeeewed.

17) Local businesses that provide kids with entertainment, like bounce houses, open play wharehouses, Gymboree, preschool, train parks, and zoo's will rape the shit out of you. They just know youre desperate. And you sadly, wont find any class that's titled, "Drink wine with friends while we play with your child."

18) Don't give your child food choices....they will abuse you. Also, dont EVER get your child anything out of a Starbucks or Coffee Bean cup....their lips cant figure it out.

19) Oh, you want to be one of those parents whose kid is gonna just fit into their schedule...aka date nights, lunches, movies, fun outings...HAVE YOU ACTUALLY TRIED THAT??!!!!!! IT IS HORRIBLE. Just schedule a root canal....super close comparison.

20) DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT decorate for Christmas until your child is 10. Toddlers will take a bat to your tree and run with your lights....