Week 10- More of my life and, oh ya, a wedding and some other shit.

Hello out there!!! How are you?!

 ...OK, ....NOW BACK TO ME!!....This blog writing thing is a bit narcissistic if you think about it. Like anyone really gives a shit about my weekly routine, and my struggles and my married life, but then again you're the people who watch The Kardashians, and I'm a little like that. Well....except for the mass amounts of money, big houses, nice clothes, several assistants, and trips to Greece. But let's face it, I'm probably more entertaining.

This week for me was pretty succesful! I got back on track from being sick and logged all of my calories per day. I managed to walk 3 miles to the grocery store and back while lugging my dog and child. I even got a dirty whistle from some pedophile van, but I'll take what I can get at this point.

I've switched up my food a bit and I'm focusing on eating "cleaner"....I realize that carb depleting is in my future, so I'm still trying to enjoy the occasional eggo waffle with a tablespoon of peanut butter and half of a banana, but then Geoff reminds me that frozen food is shit even if I log the 80 calories for the waffle. To which I reply, "not fucking fair". To which he gives me a look like, "you wanted to do this". So, I kicked the eggo waffle out and replaced it with oatmeal or rice cakes or Jamie Eason's Carrot Cake Protein Bars, which are amazing and you should Google, and if you happen to watch her video or see her picture, you,  A) may have the motivation you need to walk out the door and go to the gym before making those bars or B) gorge yourself with pizza because life has been so unfair to everyone but her....clearly.
 (Note: after proof reading this to Geoff, he said Jamie Eason had breast cancer soooo I take it back :/)

In case you're wondering, kale is my new favorite thing. I've been making lots of fun salads full of quinoa, chicken, nuts, grated parmesan, and veggies. Geoff laughs when he looks over at me while making my kale salads and asks, "what are you doing?" I then tell him, "I'm massaging the kale." But seriously, you have to! You have to take a tablespoon of olive oil and rub it into the kale leaves, otherwise it's like a crunchy weed.

I've upped my cardio this week per my slave driver husband, and this is what it looks like:

4 days Train Insane classes
3 days rowing 5 minutes as fast as possible
3 days of 30 minute running or cycling
(then die, barf, cry)

On a lighter, sweeter note, Geoff's cousin got married this last Saturday and I managed to squeeze my bod into a size small Forever 21 dress and rock very high heels, which I haven't worn since before I got pregnant for obvious reasons. My husband was adorable in his seersucker suit and between his outfit and my fake diamonds and tangerine lipstick with big lashes we looked like that douche couple from Miami...but we rocked it.

We sat at a table that I'm pretty sure had every old person over the age of 75, but just so you know, that's a really amazing thing. They are FULL of compliments.They all wished they were young again living vicariously through us, asking questions about our lives and wanting to see pictures of Colton....One of the ladies at the table said to me, " You know who you look like?...that girl from Mad Men....January Jones!"...well, hot damn lady, I'll take it!

Now, I'm gonna confess and say that I didn't pack tupperware at this wedding. I had pre-ordered the chicken because I thought I may not be able to eat the sides, but, if I know wedding food there's at least a salad with no dressing that I can add my chicken to and worst case I'll eat a bread roll with the chicken if the salad has dressing and My Fitness Pal can guesstimate the calories. I mean, it's one night......
Well..........it was a complete fail because the chicken came breaded and everything I had planned in my mind went wrong! My husband saw I may cry, so him being selfless (or afraid of a possible breakdown) gave me his steak, which I then added to the salad dressing- free salad and I was WINNING ;)

 Note to self: Be prepared wherever I go, because I don't know shit.

Moving on, I'm learning new things everyday about food and my body. For example, I found getting rid of the Luna bar I was eating per day really made a difference in my weight loss. I think it's a better choice than Carls Jr, but there is definitely something to eating cleaner foods in their natural state. This new week I'm cutting out dairy to see how I feel. It really is a process of elimination and seeing what works and what doesn't. I now have a cooler in the back of my car full of drinks and food so when I'm running errands I just open my trunk and tailgate....I have no shame....people look at me like I'm nuts, but hey, if the end of the world comes you'll wanna be in my car...just sayin.

Lastly, I wanna give a quick shout out to my sister Leah, who is trying this eating cleaner thing and prepping her food on Sundays. Her week was super successful because she planned it all out. Now, shes a single mom with a very diva-ish 4 year old who leaves for work in the early morning and shleps her kid to school while she puts in a good 10 hours before she gets home. She is the sole provider for her and her daughter because she decided to have sex with a man who doesn't like to work and pay, but that's a story for another day. Point is, she is JUST as busy as you ...so get it done.

Oh, and I ate a few Kettle chips on Sunday and our friend David asked me, " Are you gonna blog that you ate that?" So since I'm real and David's a dick, I'm blogging that I ate a few chips (but I did include them in my calorie total thank you very much). So, now you all know I'm imperfect, however, David, if you're reading this, I'm telling Kayla to ban all sexual favors.

Good night my friends,

Insane Bikini Momma

Week 9- Kim K, you are such a liar. Oh, and some new shit about me.

Hello blog reading world!!

This week in my bikini transformation life was super lame. Monday I made it to the gym and then Monday night I caught a damn cold/ flu combo. I was down and out for the entire week and had already planned a trip up north to visit my mom for her all girls weekend, which consists of her kicking my poor step dad out to live with the neighbors for the weekend while she entertains a bunch of women who come ready to drink, eat, lay half naked in the sun, and do art projects.....well, lets be honest, my 26 year old sister and her 22 year old friend were the only ones lying half naked in the sun topless with thongs....must be nice......no responsibilities, no stretch marks, no fat, good tans....go fuck yourselves....

Ok, got off subject on my hater for young, perfect people rant, but my point was I felt like shit. I barely got a workout in and all I could manage to stomach was soup, crackers and fruit. Being sick sucks and I'm pretty sure I'm a perfect candidate for sickness since I'm on a calorie deficit and forgot to take my damn multivitamin for an entire week :/

One thing I have to mention is this Kim Kardashian situation. She apparently sent a video to her moms new show saying, " I wish I could be there, but I'm just loving this mom thing a little too much at home right now." ....Kim, you are a big liar! Let's please tell the truth....Kim thought this weight thing was temporary and it would melt off as soon the baby popped out. She's now finding she's bigger than ever and could not possibly step foot outdoors, because god forbid paparazzi took photos of her and they ended up on the cover of every US Weekly magazine. She needs to hide so when she DOES come out of hiding she's been starving herself on precooked, premeasured meals and had a trainer kicking her ass at her home gym and she can pretend she's looked like that since week 2 post baby. And I'm sorry, I love my child and was so excited to be a mom and bond with my baby, but a girl needs a damn break! A lunch out, a breather, time to herself, time to feel like a human again and it would be nice if Kim could be real! I would love to hear a celeb have a baby and then post a video saying, " Look, I'm not comin out for a long time, because this shit is fucked up and I'm enormous and awaiting my diet premade meals and my trainer is gonna kill me in the gym tomorrow and I want to run away from this new life...oh, but my baby is really sweet and cute and I would'nt change anything...but WHAT THE FUCK!?"

....Jenny McCarthy would probably say that.

Anyway, I still feel like dog shit and attempted to hit the gym yesterday ( bad idea). One of our amazing members made me soup, but what the fuck, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S IN IT!!! How do you ask nicely without being a complete diva, "Excuse me, can you please tell me everything that you put in it? Like, actually, can you just write it down and include the proper measurements? Cause it looks really fucking good, BUT I CANT EAT IT!!! AHHHH!". #fitgirlproblems

I've just come to terms with the fact that I may not get more amazing this week. I'm taking care of myself, logging calories, aiming for success, but my health is more important so I'm listening to my body. Plus, I feel like I have Vertigo all of a sudden...god, Im a freakin mess.

And lastly, If you've decided to sign up for a bikini show after having a baby and you're only giving yourself 6 months, don't Google Image " Excalibur Bikini Competition." It will lead to excessive xanax taking and the possible urge to drink 3 bottles of wine, because those bitches are your competition....mother fuckers.

Here's to 400 meter walking lunges next week ;)

Signing off,

Insane Bikini Momma

Week 8- Finally I See Some Results And P.s....The Orange County Fair Is Gross!

Once upon a time there was this really impatient chick who wanted results like now, and she learned that that shit just wasn't gonna happen in 2 weeks or even 7 weeks, but in 8 weeks a fuckin miracle happened and she started changing!! Other people started noticing and telling her finally that she was lookin amazing.... So, the moral of this story is it's total bullshit, but if you hang in there just 8 weeks and do all the shit you're supposed to do, all your hard work will start paying off. But lets face it, most of us say "fuck it" by week 3 :/

I have to say though, that I honestly thought this would be harder....Now don't get me wrong... I have my moments. Especially when having to attend parties and festivities or traveling, which luckily is few and far between. And it's tough when someone says "lets do champagne brunch on Sunday" and you can't go for obvious reasons. But you get into a rhythm and after awhile you don't really crave the sweets you used to not be able to live without. Now, this may all change when I'm 12 weeks out and carb depleting, but for now its do-able :) You just really have to keep your calendar open for several months and make no serious plans because that's where it all goes out the window. You become slightly anti social but you can get creative and have friends over and teach them clean eating recipes while you feed them your latest crock pot creation ;)

Now, if you continue eating like shit and give up on life you'll become one of the fair people I saw on Sunday. If you want to eat clean and change your life and are having a hard time doing so, go to the Orange County Fair and look at the people that are walking around. You'll want to clean up your shit real quick. I have never seen so many overweight people eating the most disgusting crap. I'm a total sugar person so I get it, but take anything already horrible for you and deep fry it just for shits and giggles...And BY THE WAY what is "bacon cotton candy??!!!"who creates this shit?! Is there a gross fair people committee that puts these recipes together? Are they still alive? There wasn't ONE fresh fruit stand and it took me an hour to find someone who sold unsweetened ice tea. And I'm sorry, that enormous turkey leg?! If you're one of those people walking around chomping on that I have two things to say to you, " You look ridiculous and close your mouth when you chew...you're not a caveman." If you think that's healthy, it has more calories than a serving of fried Oreos. Just sayin...

Now on a healthy note, I've been religious about eating clean and hitting my 1700 calories every day and other than traveling a few weeks ago, I haven't missed a beat. I am focused and decided that I wasn't gonna be that mom that felt sorry for herself. I talk to so many people in the gym that lose motivation and kind of get into a rut. I think the key is to have a goal. A goal of some kind, which I know I've mentioned before, but I think it's SUPER important. Also, throughout the process, you will go from being super motivated to just wanting to give up. The point in which you start to see the changes is when your motivation and determination will be unstoppable. And like Geoff has told me for the last 2 months, "Just hang in there a little longer." He is so right....damn, I hate that.

 I love this picture below...It says it all. If only he would have just kept at it a little longer....

Lastly, here is my progress in just 8 weeks  :)

                                         Week 1                                                                         Week 8

 XO! Insane Bikini Momma

Week 7- Food, Fevers and Fuckin Jenna Dewan Tatum

First, let's talk about the food....it's the least exciting thing to discuss, as chicken and turkey have been my go to staples combined with anything exciting that can make it less disgusting. I've been researching lots of "clean eating" recipes to switch it up and get creative, but here's the thing...I hate cooking. I'm one of those microwave, food kit people where you just open the salad bag and all the nuts, cranberries and blue cheese are included. And why does cooking cost a bazillion dollars? I need like 25 items I've never heard of and can only be found at the health food store. Oh! And I can't forget to mention the ridiculous cleanup process of cooking! Yes, let me cook all day and then clean up all the shit and then run my dishwasher nine times. Wtf....where's my personal chef? :/ ...Luckily, I have found some easy, 4 ingredient recipes that ill be sharing this week and please, if you know of any pass my way. I'm gonna write a cookbook called, " Clean Eating, Only 4 Ingredients, No Bake, No Clean, Bikini Body, Easy As Shit Meals." It may be a hit ;)

Let's move on to fevers. My poor child with a 102 temp for half the week. When you're on 1700 calories, can't drink, can't have sugar and the most exciting part of your day is watching your baby hip thrust to "hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog" and he now has no interest in doing that, it really puts a damper on your day. This whole mom thing, and figuring out what I'm doing on a daily basis is pretty hysterical. You think dieting is hard?  That's a no brainer compared to what's in store when you push a baby out.

Speaking of babies, FUCK YOU Jenna Dewan Tatum. #1 I'm unsubscribing from US Weekly's stupid email news. #2 Did she really JUST have a baby?! Now, I realize that I wasn't a size 0 before or a professional dancer in Justin Timberlake videos but what the fuck....I was a character at Disneyland 10 years ago...does that count?!! And go ahead, Google that shit..."Jenna Dewan Tatum post baby body"....WHERE IS HER LITTLE POOCH? OR BIG POOCH?! How on earth did her baby belly deflate in like a month?! I wore those spanks situations and let me tell you, those do nothing but push the fat to the lower thighs and upper back! And they're hot and sweaty and you don't have a butt crack! I'm serious....they give you a crack-less butt...And good luck peeing in those fuckers. Anyway, even IF Jenna is wearing a Kardashian tummy wrap or stupid spanks her waist SHOULD NOT look like that a month later.......ugh....I need some serious therapy.....

Well, on the bright side, I bought some new costume jewelry from Seattle that I love, The Killing is on tonight, I've got a baby sleeping, some Crockpot Chicken Taco Chili cookin, and I've had some time to reflect about this last week and how I could have done things better. I am putting new goals into action and going to be perfect on documenting all of my food. No sharing with Colton, cause I have no idea what portion he eats, no having just "1 chip" as that leads to me wanting to attack the whole bowl, drinking more water, and pushing myself a tad harder during my workouts, as I feel like ever since I returned from our trip I've been a bit unmotivated. I'm not gonna let this week hold me back...I'm gonna get off my butt and keep workin! (Especially since I was tagged in THE WORST photo of myself this week...gonna put it next to my bed so it forces me to get my shit together).

Moving forward, I'm posting pics at the 1st of every month, because Geoff said from week to week there's not a big enough difference and I'm gonna make myself bat shit crazy trying to compare my body in short periods of time (well that, and the fact that he may go insane listening to me every Sunday have a nervous breakdown ;)

And, of course, I spoke to soon....I now have a screaming child in the next room and that's gonna put off the end of my blog and my ever so promised "deep tissue massage" from my husband. But let's face it....it woulda been 2 minutes of shoulder rubbing followed by a boob grab, so how does a girl relax around here?!??

Insane Bikini Momma

No Bake Peanut Butter Protein Balls! You must make these!!!! Yummmm!

I'm gonna start posting my favorite recipes that are easy and yummy! Here's my new fave! These lil babies taste like cookie dough!!!!!

Peanut Butter Protein Balls
1 cup chocolate protein powder ( Costco Citosport is awesome)
1 cup crunchy natural peanut butter
1/2 cup honey
1/2 cup oat bran (I bought at Trader Joes). Looks like oatmeal but smaller.

Mix everything up in a bowl and roll into 33 walnut size balls. Place on a foil or wax paper covered pan and pop in the fridge! You can eat them at any time (don't go crazy). 2 of them are a great pre workout or on the go snack! Kids LOVE them!!

Calories 70 ea.
Protien 7 grams
Carbs 6 grams
Fat 3 grams

Enjoy!!!

Insane Bikini Momma

Week 6-Clean Eating Tips While On Vacation Are Bullshit :)

So, I know....I suck. I'm a couple days late gettin this out because we were traveling to Washington! I must have planned and paid for a trip to visit friends in Seattle when I wasn't dieting :/....It all sounded absolutely fabulous at the time of purchase, however, before I left it honestly stressed me the fuck out. I read a bunch of blogs and took tips from some clean eating sites that told you how to travel and still stay consistent....but let me be honest and say, you're not gonna do any of that shit.

I managed to pack a lifetime supply of Luna bars and protein powder, but I'm sorry, the idea of checking a cooler full of meals for 4 days is completely insane. Especially when Alaska airlines wants to charge you $44 bucks to do it. Then I thought, " Oh, I'll shop when I get there and prep food in our friends kitchen." Ya, that's not awkward. "So nice to see you...Oh, you want to go out and celebrate? Oh and wine taste? Oh, and take the kids out to the park?...ya...well....I've got to stay here and cook and measure my portions.. Oh, and can I borrow your car to run to the grocery store?" I mean seriously?! Who does that?! I guess REALLY serious people do, but that just makes me slightly less than a human being, and even though I cuss like a sailor, and I only hope Colton doesn't pick up on it, I'm not an asshole guest.

I am gonna admit that I probably could have done better, but I did learn one thing. Even though I'm pretty sure I lost track of my calories the second day there, I made SMARTER choices. Did I have a glass of wine? Yes..Did I eat portions without measuring them? Yes ( Did I manage to start my period a week early? What the fuck..yes) BUT! I passed on dessert, made an effort to make better choices, and envisioned what a handful of nuts looked like since now I know what a 1/4 measurement is. Part of me was disappointed, but the other part was impressed that in 6 weeks I've really learned how to be better. Maybe not perfect, but much much better. Now if my bikini contest was next week I'd be fucked, but I won't kick myself for now.

And let me mention on a side note, that as bad as candy is for you, fruit is just as lethal. I thought if we had an activity that was outside and fun for all like "Rasberry Picking in Snohomish Washington" that we could avoid any unnecessary indulging and eat berries instead, while working to get them of course, but $22 dollars and 3 hours later that was like chewing 16 packs of sugar free gum or drinking a gallon of Crystal Light! That is one fucked up gastro intestinal issue. Just sayin.

Anyway, we survived and we made it back last night. I have jumped back on the wagon and started logging my food as usual. Still need to hit up the grocery store and cook, but luckily we still had the basics in the fridge. Now if my damn dog could figure out how to beat anxiety while we're gone and not chew his entire feet off and cost me $100 bucks today at the vet that would be a major accomplishment.

Lastly, I have no one to take my weekly picture at the moment (which I'm not gonna say I'm sad about), but as soon as my hubby returns ill get on it and post it....that should be fun...can I take my weekly after pic in candle light do you think? Fuck.....

Insane Bikini Momma

Week 5- I made it 5 weeks so find out how I'm doing it!!

 First of all, let me apologize for my day late blog post...yesterday was supposed to be my cook everything, clean house, run errands, write new blog kind of day, but then my husband decided to get the fucking flu and everything went south. Am I alone when I say that I REALLY wanted to punch my husband in the face when he asked me for a blanket or food or even when he apologized for being sick (and helpless and a big pain in my ass)?!!! Wtf?! If I get sick I've got to take care of a husband and a baby and a dog, but when men get sick they're a bunch of pussy's. Just sayin.....

Second of all, let me say that I made it a whole month in this insane bikini transformation !!!! Woohoo!! Partyyyy for meeeeeee!!!! I'm actually in awe of the fact that I've been so strict with myself for 5 whole weeks! I think I finally got on a roll and started seeing some changes so a little piece of myself just had to keep this shit goin! What's really sad is that this is totally doable. When I say sad, I mean because I could have done this a long time ago but instead I put it off and gave up and never stayed consistent. What's even more sad is that I've been with Geoff for 10 years and just never really wanted to listen to him or follow his advice. I'm pretty much the WORST client ever. Anyway, better late than never, so here I am ;)

Let's talk about Grocery shopping....it's pretty much bullshit. I have to literally go to 4 stores to get everything between Geoff, myself and the baby. Seriously Trader Joes?! You can't sell baby items? and I'm sorry but why will my husband only eat the salsa at Smart n Final?! My family and the universe are fucking with me on a daily basis. But, I try to bust out shopping only once a week so I get it done and it's over with.

When it comes to shopping here's my tips:

-Plan out your meals for the week, so you have a handy list of the foods you need and you wont get side tracked looking at the chips and salsa.
-Grab a bunch of those produce bags so you don't have to keep pulling them off for every fruit and veggie you pick up..you can have them in your cart when you need one...this is just for the lazy people like me. 
-Buy Luna bars for snacks...those things are the bomb! Blueberry Bliss, Honey Pretzel Peanut, and Coconut Chocolate Macadamia are ridiculous.
 -The boxed frozen rice at Trader Joes is awesome because I suck at cooking rice and all ya do is microwave it for 3 min. If it's easy you'll stay on track :)
-If you don't own a crock pot you need one now!! The thought of putting food in there, going to bed and having it cook by itself is kind of amazing. My favorite is throwing a package of 4 chicken breasts in there with a salsa that you love and doing chicken tacos! So easy and so cheap!
-Save money at the store by keeping it simple. Eat the same things for a week.  If you give yourself too much variety you will most likely cheat and not want to log your food (story of my life).

Now, here's what my food looks like this week. 1700 calories. 170 g. carbs, 127 g. protein,  57 g. fat.

Breakfast- 1 cup banana peanut butter oatmeal (amazing and made in crock pot. 4 bananas, 2 tsp cinnamon, 1/2 c. peanut butter, 1/4 c agave nectar, 4 cups water and 1 cup steel cut oats. Makes 8, 1 c. servings. 215 calories).
2 eggs
1/2 link Adelle's chicken habanero sausage

Late morning snack- Luna bar

Lunch- 4 oz chicken breast
1/4 c. feta
1 tbs olive oil
1 tbs balsamic
2 cups spinach
1/4 c quinoa

Late afternoon snack- apple

Post workout snack- Chocolate protein shake (Costco Cytosport bag of chocolate) with water.

 Dinner - 4 oz chicken breast
1 c. sauteed mushrooms, zucchini, and onion mix
1/2 c. sweet potato cubed and baked with 1 tsp. pumpkin pie spice

*I don't always eat these in this order, so its nice to eat what you feel like when you want it. I just make sure I only eat the items I've packed for the day.

This is my menu for Monday-Sunday. I've been doing ground turkey in taco bowls and if I have one more taco bowl I may shrivel up and die, so I'm moving onto chicken this week. I made everything yesterday and either put it in tupperware or plastic baggies to save space in the fridge. The cleanup is a bitch and it's really fun cooking when your child is screamin at you, but well worth it Monday morning when all you need to do is pack your lunch bag and not think about it. I have found that if I'm prepared then this is a no brainer. You get on a roll and it does seem like part of your routine after a few weeks. The only thing that's been hard is that the weekends seem monotonous and you don't really look forward to going to parties, bbq's, etc. And eating out is definitely out of the question. But all the fit people I know say that this will just suck now...getting to my goal. But once I'm there a cheat day is allowed every now and again...one can only hope.

Now, the food and busting my ass in the gym seem to be the easy part...But I have to be honest and say that today I'm having a day. I try not to weigh myself because that can be easily discouraging, but this is the first time that I feel frustrated at my work so far. I have been busting my ass and see slight results on camera. I almost don't want to post my picture each week, because it usually ends with Geoff and I screaming at each other that he "took a bad photo" when in fact, that's just really what I look like. I understand why people give up and throw in the towel because you bust your ass and the results come so slowly...it's honestly super fucked up. But, I'm gonna stop hating on myself today and get to the gym and hope that Geoff is right when he says, "just hang in a little longer."

 Fuck you instant gratification......

last weeks pic                                                                                          This weeks pic