Week 15- The Truth About Prepping For A Bikini Show And Some Other Funky Shit.

I'm runnin a  little behind this week with my blog due to the fact that my child is a teething monster who constantly cries, doesn't sleep, wont eat, has a really awesome diaper rash, and is driving me totally crazy. He clearly doesn't care that my #1 fans have no clue what is going on in my life...I mean, you all could be missing some serious good shit here! Well, we wont waist anymore time...here's a recap:

First off, I'm about 12 weeks out for this bikini show! My workouts have increased and now I'm doing 2-a-days. Cardio, lunges, sled pushes, arms, shoulders in the morning and then class at night 4 days a week. What the fuck was I thinking seriously with a 1 year old....If I was a single person, this would be totally doable. With Colton it's a damn juggling nightmare. I could use a full time, unpaid, gym nanny please, although, perhaps his father has already taken this position as he refers to watching our child as "babysitting."

Moving on, my food hasn't changed much..still on 1700 calories. Just being extremely ocd about measuring and counting every speck of food and by now it's really a no brainer. No processed food, no dairy, no carbonated drinks, no sugar, no alcohol. Peanut Butter is still keeping me sane. I thank mother nature for peanuts and all their goodness. Trying to choke down water on a daily basis but I just don't care for it.....Only way I can even get close to half a gallon is if I add those liquid Blue Raspberry Crystal Light drops, but then if you have too much you've got really bad gas for the remainder of the day ;/ good luck jumproping with that shit going on.

And while were on the subject of bodily problems, big tits and running don't agree even with the most ridiculously expensive sports bras and sweaty vaginas in tight spandex pants while doing the spin bike 4 days a week is a problem. Just sayin...hypothetically speaking of course. If I could make a couple suggestions to anyone who may care....don't chew so much gum in place of sweets that you think you may have TMJ and your gastro intestinal system is responding similar to the Crystal Light drops problem, lock up your naughty drawer so when your child decides he's over his zillion toys all over your house he doesn't bring your sex toys out to the living room for your guests to enjoy...once again, hypothetically speaking of course, and don't plan a bikini show where the strictest part of your diet and workouts is during Halloween and Thanksgiving...fuck.

And by the way, if you plan on doing a bikini show I'd research the cost of all this crap before hand. Not only is it $200 just to participate, but you've gotta pay for jewelry, stripper heels, Jamaican color tanning solution, posing workshops, hair extensions and my suit alone is $230! Yes, please, let me workout like a crazy person, not eat anything fun AND pay a fortune for it....I guess you have to be extremely narcissistic to sign up for this shit, because that's the only thing you get....a hot body to stare in the mirror at and take douchy selfies to post on facebook so all your friends can see how amazing you've become....eh, I'll take it.


Insane Bikini Momma