Week 12- Douchy Selfies And A Sore Vagina

It's almost 2pm as I lay and write this weeks entry overlooking my beach front property and listening to the sounds of the waves........

Oh...... I mean overlooking my Placentia condo dog pee patio and enjoying the sounds of the near by oil rig, but one can pretend can't they?......My baby's napping quietly, Geoff is also fucking napping and I'm on my weekly rant....

First off, Paleo is stupid. Of course in my opinion, but let's face it, I've been doing this for 12 weeks so at this point I'm considered a professional. Let me tell you why....Sure, I'll eat like a caveman, cause our stomachs probably break down food the same, and let me go down to the local meat market and buy a pound of buffalo and cook it with bacon and quail eggs, oh and some venison. And I'll eat that shit for the rest of my life cause I can afford weekly, fresh cuts of wildlife and organic fruits and veggies. As well as, every coconut item (flour, oil, milk) that can only be found at the most expensive grocery stores. And hope and pray that you become really skinny and amazing, because you'll need to become America's Next Top Model quick, as now you're homeless and broke. Or find an exotic island like Tom Hanks in "Cast Away," cause that shit's free there.

On to Cardio. It continues 4 days a week and is soooo amazing btw...Especially a stationary bike. That's not only a leg crusher it's also a vagina/ass bone destroyer. I'm sorry but WHO (Amanda Gordon) is paying for cycling classes?! I'd rather be gang raped ( OK, maybe not) but it's horrible....I'd take a root canal instead for sure. And running?! Who does this for fun?! Who actually signs up for a marathon or a 10k?! You people are on crack and have clearly never heard of "sleep, relaxation, massage, tv, or shopping!".... Cardio is bullshit. I know I need it, I'm gonna do it, but I hate it and playing " Fighter" by Christina Aguilera on my iPod on repeat is a necessity.

My food is pretty much the same as last week except I've switched out lunch and dinner for a taco bowl cause we ran out of chicken and had turkey in the fridge. I haven't had sugar in 12 weeks and I don't drink anymore ( I know....you REALLY wanna be friends with me. Let's hang out). But when I was and able to save the calories, I measured out no more than 4 oz ( which btw in a pinch, a baby bottle is a perfect little measuring cup on the go...just sayin).

And I feel like this week was a graduation week of some sorts because I wore PINK PANTS to the gym...not sweat pants but a Capri spandex lil number that required a seamless nude thong. Not sure what I was thinking ( actually I was thinking I was Amanda Gordon..no need to Google...20 something, great legs sister), but I thought if I've been working my ass off then possibly I've earned pink pants? ....Only problem was making sure throughout my entire workout that I was standing up straight, sucking in the tummy, tightening the butt and avoiding camel toe at all possible. But Natasha and I came up with a camel toe code word just incase.....I mean, what are girlfriends for anyway.

                                                      We're good....no camel toe....

Geoff told me this week that soon I will be doing an hour of cardio plus classes plus 10 minutes of rowing while at the same time taking away food. Here's the thing....I thought doing a bikini show would get me into shape and lean me out and I'd be in the best shape of my life, but, I kinda envisioned eating better, going to TI classes, taking walks, hiking, talking....I am basically SCA-REWED...waaaaaahhhhh.

Well, here's to no "white stuff," long runs in hopefully an air conditioned space, cycling while incorporating a sweatshirt under my ass and giving it my all.....just 106 days and counting.....while raising a baby....and a dog...and....a husband...and no alcohol.

Yep.....I got this....

Insane Bikini Momma