Season Finale- Bikini Shows Are Hysterical, The Spin Bike Gave Me Hemorroids And I Need This Magda Tan To Fade Like Now.

OMG where do I even begin.......

First off, how has 6 months come and gone?! As I lie here thinking about my life during my "bikini momma transformation", a lot of emotions hit me....I honestly don't know how I managed my life and the training and the eating and the baby all at once. I put the "can't complain, gotta keep going, can't give up, don't feel sorry for myself" hat on and managed to survive I guess. I had to ask for help and call in favors and kinda live a little selfishly during the process. My business partner had to take on more responsibilities, Colton had to sometimes be shlepped to and from friends and families houses and miss naps, and my husband had to deal with the fact that he was pretty much getting ignored unless I had a food or workout question. Everyone worked hard to make sure I succeeded and I couldn't have done it without them. I have to say that I'm almost sad it's over....is that nuts?! Geez....what the fuck is wrong with me....lets move on to the show gossip...that's way more exciting.

Let me start on the night before the show.....we packed all our crap, drove to Culver City, checked in to our hotel (which by the way, the Doubletree made us sign a waiver that we wouldnt spray tan in the hotel room and if we did it was a $500 fine...let's just say I hope they don't turn the sheets over or move the vanity chair...shit....).

We had to meet for check in's at 630pm so the people in charge could look at our suits and make sure our bottoms covered at least half our ass, which no one ever checked by the way. They measured me for height class and somehow I lost an inch and a half making it into the 5'4-5'6 category (I swear im 5'7 but whatever). There were perfect body bitches everywhere, bad tans galore, and hotel front desk people who were looking around like they were observing circus animals. We carb loaded all night, hardly drank any water and got like 3 hours of sleep before we had to wake up for makeup and hair by 4am the next morning.

Oh wait, I forgot the part where Geoff drove me to Target so I could buy a funnel to pee in.....you can really fuck up a tan while peeing...but we'll get to that again later.

I'd like to put this out there....the tan used for our competition is NOT the solution we use to tan our clients! We are not in denial, we don't think that looked good, it's the color you must have for those bright stage lights, but seriously people....those pics are bad for business!! Ahhhh!!

Oh, did I mention I got hemorroids from the spin bike? No? well, I'm all about a good overshare.

Let me next say that these crazy chicks backstage at the show were pretty intense. PEOPLE BROUGHT THEIR OWN TALL LENGTH MIRRORS AND CARRIED THEM AROUND!!! Like, so they could just set up anywhere and have a place to primp. Some girls were using them to walk up to and practice posing (and taking up half the fucking walkway), others would walk away for a minute so I'd steal some time in their mirror and they'd return looking at me like, "what the fuck?!" and I'd look at them like, "ummm, I'm sorry but you left your mirror alone...soooo I stole some time." Geez.....

My sister told me at the show that her boyfriend's ex girlfriend was also competing and like a good big sister I scoped the chick out. I told her, "dont worry, shes not that cute...kinda has a flat ass"....ya, well then  later....she won the show :/  Fuck...sorry Bear. You're still better.

So the pee funnel came in handy, because there were more pee accidents on these bikini girls than you can even imagine.There was a spot outside where there were airbrush ladies fixing and buffing out pee streaks before girls hit the stage....it was hysterical and kinda awesome, especially if they had better bodies than you. (For all you who are confused about the peeing problem...let me break it down..when you have no hair down there your pee has nothing to catch on to hence sending some trickles down all different directions and wiping out your fresh tan).

Well, I worked my shit on stage, hungry, yet full of rice cakes and honey and managed to not fall and kill myself in 4 inch heels with a sprained ankle. I have no idea where I placed, but didn't get called out for the top 5 (I told Geoff it's ok if I never know...If I got last place I'll cry, so we'll stay in denial for now and say I placed 6th in my group). I didn't sign up to beat a bunch of competitive girls that have made this a profession. I did this to push myself and make some changes. I do feel like a winner in the end of all this. I had a sassy little photo shoot, I got to wear a blingy pink bikini with heels, I have a whole new body, I'm healthier, I don't crave bad food anymore, I'm excited to go to the gym (ONLY 4 DAYS A WEEK!), and I'm just happier! I feel good in clothes and I have more energy to chase around my crazy child.

Here's to maintaining this new me and finding a balance again, planning cheat days so I feel like a human being and continuing my success in and out of the gym. Geoff and I will be planning a free seminar at the gym to anyone interested on finding out how I got in shape and what my food looked like. If you're in the Orange County area and interested let us know so I keep you on our invite list!

I want to say thank you so much to everyone for all the support and encouragement on my blog and facebook. I couldn't have done it without all my amazing cheerleaders. I will be continuing my blog about fitness and food, as well as, incorporating beauty while attempting to make you laugh! So stay tuned!!!! And dont be afraid to follow me!! :)

Some pics from my shoot and the show.....in case I didn't blow up Facebook enough ;)

 And dont forget...just 8 months ago this was me......

And this is what I wanted to look like.....

And this is what I did......

Insane Bikini Momma

1 Week Out!!!!! I Can't Believe This Is Really Happening And How Did I Not Give Up 5 Months Ago!!??!

 It's crazy to think that this whole self discovery, put myself to the test, be a better me, 6 month journey is coming to a close, although, let's face it....the journey will never really end....I now have this new lifestyle I've adopted that I will need to maintain. Otherwise, that 38 lbs will come rollin back on. That's the thing about diets....you do it, you stop doing it and then you're back where you started. If that's the way you look at it, It'll be a never ending cycle that just continues...you need to make this shit your life....sadly, you must change if you want to see change...I guess that kinda goes for everything in life.

When I look back at the beginning of all this and read my earliest blog entries, I realize that I've changed so much. My outlook on social events, food, exercise, my body and my life have completely been reborn, shall I say....After months of living without many of the things we love on a daily basis like wine, sweets and cheese I have broken this cycle of "needing" these foods to feel good, to decompress and to celebrate. I have learned to use other resources than food to indulge in and feel comforted by. We all love a couple glasses of wine, but do I really need to drink the whole bottle...alone...on a daily basis...no....
Why not get motivated and get shit done in the house, why not get in your car and go to the gym or take your dog for a walk, why not have girlfriends over for coffee, why not write up your to do list for the week so you get productive, why not play and read to your baby.....go get a massage to relax or take a warm bath...there are more ways to deal with your fucked up day than drown yourself in crap at happy hour which will only make you feel worse 12 hours later and a size bigger in your jeans...Believe me, I know :/

The really odd thing is, when you start working out consistently and prepping your food and eating clean your life somehow doesn't seem so tough or stressfull or depressing. You kinda go to this "I'm so awesome" place and you never really come down from it...you have control, a new found strength within yourself and seriously no one can put out this fire you got goin on, BUT I'm not gonna lie...it takes time..it doesn't happen tomorrow...for me it took 7 weeks..7 long, tear filled, fucked up weeks before I saw and felt a difference. Most of us quit before that and the elite ones are those that keep going no matter how they feel, what their friends say, how hard it is to get to the gym or how bad their day was at work. They make it happen one way or another to be the best version of themselves.

That was my goal...in the beginning of all this..to be the best version of myself....I'm turning 34 next week and I had a baby 16 months ago. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, that I could be elite and to possibly inspire other women in the same way that I've been inspired by others. I still really can't believe I made it....this whole thing is kinda surreal. I've learned a lot about myself that I didn't know in these past 6 months about how much more strength and dedication and heart I have. I have trained sometimes twice a day, cut even calorie free sweeteners out of my diet along with pretty much all sugar, dairy, and alcohol. While planning and hosting events, working on my business, caring for Colton full time and prepping and packing my food. Now, in a different world where no bikini show exists there is not such a need for perfection and double cardio...no need to cut everything out of your diet, but for the purpose of doing this show and expecting some insane results in 6 months a girl had to do what a girl had to do. However, this just makes me realize how TOTALLY DO ABLE a normal gym schedule and meal plan is!

My show is 6 days away and I feel excited yet sick to my stomach. I have everything ready to go, except my sprained ankle is slightly challenged in my 4 inch heels....please send good thoughts my way on Saturday that I'll walk gracefully. At this point, I look like I have a stick up my ass.

Well, I'll end this entry saying this....I'm a little nervous about what lies ahead as far as finding a balance after this show. There is no way to maintain this lifestyle for more than 6 months and 1 day sooooo I will have new challenges in store for me, but I will continue to work at it, and to always have the goal of being the best version of myself. I can't compete with someone else...we are all different....I think being the best YOU is a pretty awesome and attainable goal :)

Insane Bikini Momma

Week 21, 22, 23- THREE WEEKS OUT And I Need This To Happen ASAP Cause I May Lose My Mind.

All I can say is "Thank God time passes and now I only have 3 weeks left of this training hell." And I'm so thrilled that once again I'll be dining out of tupperware for Thanksgiving....obviously I have no plans. I don't recommend doing a bikini show in the middle of the best food months ever and if Starbucks is sold out of pumpkin scones on Dec 15th I promise I will cry. I have this huge day planned the Sunday after my competition which consists of FOOD all day long, however, I'll probably eat breakfast and then die in the bathroom all day....but one can dream pizookies and pizza and popcorn and candy....ugh, im already getting sick.

I've got everything ready to go for my show just need to finalize a couple things before the 14th. This show has literally cost me like 600 bucks and will probably create a whole bunch of new insecurities and now I'm wondering what the fuck I was thinking......

I've lost 36 pounds in 6 months and I'm in a size 26 jean....I don't think I've ever squeezed my ass into anything smaller than a size 27, but let's be honest...there was some serious muffin top happening under a cute flowy blouse at that time. I've worked my ass off and now I just have to figure out how to maintain a healthy balance cause I know I can't eat like this forever. So, I'll be continuing my blog after the show documenting the "fucked up in the head ex bikini queen who is trying to stay in her 200 dollar size 26 J Brand skinny's".....shit....

For those who are curious about what I'm eating, here is what I ate today:


Breakfast- 1 plain rice cake w/ 1 tbs peanut butter and 1/4 of a banana sliced on top.

Snack- same thing as breakfast.

Snack- 2 oz. chicken, 12 asparagus spears and a plain rice cake.

Lunch- 4 oz chicken, 1/4 c brown rice, 1 c zucchini, 1/2 tbs olive oil.

Snack- Chocolate protein shake, 1/4 c almonds.

Dinner- 6 oz chicken, 1 egg, 1/4 c brown rice, 1 cup zucchini (made a scramble fried rice kinda thing).

1500 Calories
86 g  Fat
73 g Carbs
130 g Protein

Clearly I'm eating for fuel not fun. This is not a diet that someone can do for the rest of their life....I can tell you for sure you don't want to do this! What I've taken from this is that a normal meal plan where I started 6 months ago that included balanced meals that totaled 1700 calories was totally do able. I lost the majority of my weight that way, but to fine tune, or shall I say deplete for this show, I had to cut out dairy, sugar, alcohol, processed foods (other than my rice cakes), and decrease my calories. Now keep in mind I'm working my ass off in the gym and doing 5 days of cardio for an hour on top of it...also not maintainable. Geoff told me that soon I may get to do TWO hours of cardio 5 days a week....oh joy....So, the moral of the story is find something you can realistically work with and prep the shit out of it!! Don't crash diet or eat no carbs or do 7 cardio sessions a week, because you know that shit sucks and you are lying to yourself if you think you're gonna do that for the next 20 years. Prepping for this show has given me a whole new perspective on food and portions and if anything has taught me how to eat and how to prep on Sundays and how if you're not prepared you're screwed and you make bad choices.

Here's to maintaining my poker face when I'm hangry and want to kill someone ;)

3 more weeks bitches!!!!!

Insane Bikini Momma

Week 18,19, 20 ....I've Lost Count, But I'm 6 Weeks Out!!!!!!!

I know, I know....Where the hell have I been...well, training my fucking ass off, moving, trying to keep a 1 year old dare devil alive, and somehow starting my own beauty line. I'm officially a crazy person. Why would anyone want to take on so much crap?! Well, my mothers name is Janet Roberts and she spawned me and people say I'm just like her and she can't sit down for the life of her, sooooo pretty sure it's in my genetic makeup.

First, I'd like to discuss moving on a diet. The idea of moving is the absolute worst and you don't realize how much shit you have until you have to box it all up. When you're moving there is no easy access to food, no where to keep it cold so you really gotta prepare that one. Now everyone else just ordered pizza and drank beer, and I may have cried a little in the process of watching them all decompress and sip pumpkin flavored ale. But, let's face it...Ive been doing this for 5 months and Its just not worth a sip of beer at this point....or a greasy slice of pizza. I mean, if I'm gonna cheat it's gonna be super awesome. Like an enormous bag of candy from Sweet Factory.....just sayin.

I have become the mom who just doesn't care how dirty my child is or what he may have just eaten off the ground. One thing I can say is that when youre dieting and training for a bikini show you just don't have the energy to give a shit. We went to Target and I gave Colton one of those vitamin c lollipops, you know, so he'd behave and 10 minutes in he dropped the damn thing. I even stepped on one side of it as we walked past. I thought for a moment, "I'm just gonna keep going...maybe he'll forget about it", but no...he screamed and I just can't handle breakdowns at the moment....without wine and sugar...soooooo, I went back and picked up that dirty lil thing and gave it back to him........don't judge me.

Now on to more fabulous things. I just ordered my bikini for the competition! And of course got my stripper heels! Only 6 more weeks to get bikini amazing and after doing a trial for my competition tan, which looked like Magda from "Something About Mary", I need to find a way to hide pre-show, because as Geoff puts it, "it's not good for business."

  

 I have several people asking me how I was able to get in shape and interested to know what I've been eating. Here's the thing....I stopped complaining about my body and started making changes. It's as simple, yet not as simple as that. I'm not gonna lie, the first 5 weeks are awful and you'll probably cry a few times, but then....you start changing and it just becomes your routine. I'm not special, I don't have athletic genetics, I had a baby a year ago, and I hate not eating Halloween candy. Geoff is just an amazing coach, he knows his shit and I finally starting listening and doing the work. I document everything on My Fitness Pal and I measure EVERYTHING. I follow a strict 1600 calories and eat a balanced diet, except when I have to carb cycle for this damn show. I'm excited to finally have my event and eat a real meal for Christmas, however, if anything, this has taught me how do-able a regular meal plan is. And I wont miss rowing for 45 minutes......Netflix on a laptop on a box while rowing has saved my life.....thank you Natasha, my lil bikini babe.

Here are my latest progress photos:

Sept 1                         Oct 1                                                  Nov 1

Week 16 and 17- No Wine Tasting For Bikini Girls And My Husband Needs Anger Management.

Can I just begin by saying how much I hate golf? I tried....I really did...To connect with my husband, try something new, explore different hobbies....but this is some bullshit. First, you have to apparently chase the SAME ball around all day...even if it lands in a bush or a tree, and there's friggin something called "golf etiquette" where you can't talk or stand too close to someone and you have to let the other person go first if their ball is farther when its really your turn. And I also learned that Geoff has road rage in a golf cart, that they allow drunk people to drive those things, and after seeing my husband throw and break a golf club I'm pretty confident he needs anger management..... Not to mention husbands are horrible teachers. To be completely honest, I was really only excited about the cute golf outfit....then Geoff cheapened out and wouldn't get me the shoes. He tells me now that he's "So glad he didn't buy me my shoes" because I don't even like golf and that would have been a waste. I mean, please, If I look good, I play good....shoulda bought me the shoes bitch.

Another subject I'd like to touch on is "wine tasting with your aunts." While driving to San Diego for a fun filled, bring my own food, dont drink anything, couples golf weekend, we just HAD to "stop by Wilson Creek Winery on the way to grab a case of wine." Yep, thats what she said, "stop by." Im thinking im gonna drive the car up, leave the engine on and ya'll can get out and "grab" the wine. Oh no....we spent ( I mean THEY spent) an hour wine tasting while explaining to the people working there that I was doing a bikini show and I couldn't drink so I was their sober driver. Amazing.....and then all the employees were asking me nutrition advice and if I "do crossfit" and how many calories someone is supposed to eat and if Paleo is a good diet. I all of a sudden became a professional....at a wine tasting bar....with my drunk aunts who later made me stop by Jack N The Box for french fries and ate them in my car...while telling me to put my "earmuffs" on while they talked about how good the fries were....ya, I can smell em...I know...thanks. I put my "stay strong" panties on that weekend let me tell ya.


On another note, I am 10 weeks out from this Bikini Competition. I have literally been busting my ass for 4 months now not only in the gym but being super consistent and ocd with my food. I feel the best I've ever felt in my life and my only worry now is finding a balance after my show. The compliments from everyone definitely help with  motivation...my apartment complex maintenance guy even mentioned how I was "chubby" before, but now I look like "a model."... Nice....And I'm noticing it most in photos lately. For once in my life, I'm not having to analyze my pictures because I'm seeing I'm looking different. Geoff has us carb cycling now so 1st day no carbs, 2nd day half carbs and 3rd day carb load. We're seeing how our bodies respond, because we still have 10 weeks to dial it down. The training is more intense, but that was to be expected. I just struggle some days with the baby and the occasional sleepless nights and how busy he is. Hard to manage everything on low calories while prepping food, working, training, and somehow not losing my mind. Oh, and did I mention were also moving this month. Ahhhhhh!

My current weight is 135lbs...Ive lost 22 lbs in 4 months. I just fit into a size 26 jean and a size 2 pair of shorts. In 4 months I have transformed my momma body....I still have a ways to go for the show, but I'm progressing and learning and staying strong and changing my life. And while I'm doing that, can someone please have a Pumpkin Spice Latte for me? I miss those lil babies...

Progress Ive made in only 4 months!

Insane Bikini Momma

Progress Photos From Sept 1st to Oct 5th!

Staying consistent with my food and making sure I bust my ass in the gym = winning!!! ;)

Week 15- The Truth About Prepping For A Bikini Show And Some Other Funky Shit.

I'm runnin a  little behind this week with my blog due to the fact that my child is a teething monster who constantly cries, doesn't sleep, wont eat, has a really awesome diaper rash, and is driving me totally crazy. He clearly doesn't care that my #1 fans have no clue what is going on in my life...I mean, you all could be missing some serious good shit here! Well, we wont waist anymore time...here's a recap:

First off, I'm about 12 weeks out for this bikini show! My workouts have increased and now I'm doing 2-a-days. Cardio, lunges, sled pushes, arms, shoulders in the morning and then class at night 4 days a week. What the fuck was I thinking seriously with a 1 year old....If I was a single person, this would be totally doable. With Colton it's a damn juggling nightmare. I could use a full time, unpaid, gym nanny please, although, perhaps his father has already taken this position as he refers to watching our child as "babysitting."

Moving on, my food hasn't changed much..still on 1700 calories. Just being extremely ocd about measuring and counting every speck of food and by now it's really a no brainer. No processed food, no dairy, no carbonated drinks, no sugar, no alcohol. Peanut Butter is still keeping me sane. I thank mother nature for peanuts and all their goodness. Trying to choke down water on a daily basis but I just don't care for it.....Only way I can even get close to half a gallon is if I add those liquid Blue Raspberry Crystal Light drops, but then if you have too much you've got really bad gas for the remainder of the day ;/ good luck jumproping with that shit going on.

And while were on the subject of bodily problems, big tits and running don't agree even with the most ridiculously expensive sports bras and sweaty vaginas in tight spandex pants while doing the spin bike 4 days a week is a problem. Just sayin...hypothetically speaking of course. If I could make a couple suggestions to anyone who may care....don't chew so much gum in place of sweets that you think you may have TMJ and your gastro intestinal system is responding similar to the Crystal Light drops problem, lock up your naughty drawer so when your child decides he's over his zillion toys all over your house he doesn't bring your sex toys out to the living room for your guests to enjoy...once again, hypothetically speaking of course, and don't plan a bikini show where the strictest part of your diet and workouts is during Halloween and Thanksgiving...fuck.

And by the way, if you plan on doing a bikini show I'd research the cost of all this crap before hand. Not only is it $200 just to participate, but you've gotta pay for jewelry, stripper heels, Jamaican color tanning solution, posing workshops, hair extensions and my suit alone is $230! Yes, please, let me workout like a crazy person, not eat anything fun AND pay a fortune for it....I guess you have to be extremely narcissistic to sign up for this shit, because that's the only thing you get....a hot body to stare in the mirror at and take douchy selfies to post on facebook so all your friends can see how amazing you've become....eh, I'll take it.


Insane Bikini Momma

Words Of Wisdom From Yours Truly....I'm Like The Dalai Lama.

After I posted my " Girls can have muscle too" blog this week, a few girls wrote me about how they too have experienced other women's verbal attacks about their bodies and how they "shouldn't lift weights anymore"....just "run and do yoga or something" because their too "bulky."  I'm sorry, but who are these people giving such educated advice? Do they work in the fitness industry? Have they studied the body? What makes these women such damn experts? Funny how it's less likely for men to give this advice or pass this judgement, but rather women, who share our same insecurities, are the ones that are making other women feel like shit. Aren't we suppose to stick together and support each other? WTF is wrong with people?! I just recently "defriended" someone on face book because of a comment they made on one of my friends photos that I was tagged in. My friend has been training her ass off for a figure competition and looks amazing. Someone I knew wrote, "ugg-a-lee". I was mortified. After I apologized to my friend for the horrible comment, she said, with such a good attitude, "It's ok! Muscle aint for everybody." This may be true, but why make someone else feel bad about something they may be proud of? And it's always the miserable people that have to comment on shit that doesn't concern them.

I'd like to share a couple things with you all....an education of some sorts from research I've been doin online....I pretty much have a masters degree now..just sayin.

As you know, this is what society thinks looks good....

 Women don't wanna lift weights, because they think this will happen...( this requires a lot of food, work and drugs btw).

When in reality, this is what will happen...That is, if you eat a clean diet, work out consistently and take classes at Train Insane Gym :)

If it's so bad, why does Jessica do it?

And Cameron?

And Kelly?

And Jennifer?

And I mean, my god, they just look awful....so "bulky".

 

 

They do it because they feel good and they rock strong bodies and they want to be healthy for their families and muscle doesn't scare them and they reject the stereotypes and refuse society's standards. Maybe their bodies genetically are athletic and maybe they can't help but build muscle easily. Maybe some of them weren't gifted with being 5'11 or naturally having long legs. What I've learned is that you can't morph into something you're not. My sisters are taller and naturally longer than I am. I mean for gods sake, Leah's hips are at my tits! I'll never have that type of shape. My body is more athletic. If I try, I build muscle pretty easily. I will never be a runway model and I'm okay with that. But! I will be the best version of myself and I'll friggin work what I've got to offer and not be afraid of a strong body for cryin out loud!
 

Ladies, love yourselves and love your bodies. Don't let others dictate how you feel about yourself. Don't change for anyone else but you. If you're not happy, do something...change it.....but don't let some skinny hater bitch in the bathroom or a scrawny, mean boyfriends mom or your anti weight lifting friends make you feel like you need to fix something that's wrong with you. I never knew looking like an athlete made you a weirdo..god forbid you can actually escape a rapist using your own body weight by climbing out of a tall locked dungeon....

Ok, I may watch too much "Law and Order" but that shit can happen....and bitches, I'ma be ready for it!

Insane Bikini Momma

Week 14- Girls Can Have Muscle Too And Sleds Aren't Just For Santa Apparently.

As I lie here reflecting on this past week, lots of things come to mind. For one, I am so sick of women making other women feel bad about lifting weights. I just can't even believe that there's this stupid stereotype that if you lift weights and get stronger, that you're gonna become a man. Look people....if you eat a lot of food..I mean a lot....and lift a ton and mix that with some testosterone, than yes...you will look scary and no one will recognize your phone voice, but what world are we living in that god forbid a woman can do a real pull up or she strives for more than just making dinner and cleaning up after her messy ass family. And if you're the person that said Courtney Mahaffey looks "bulky" then SHAME ON YOU....let me introduce you to Courtney....She works out and she's a stud and if this is "bulky" then we're all fucked.

Courtney, I love you for allowing me to use you to educate stupid people..thank you very much.

Moving on...I, for what ever reason, had a really annoying week and it took everything I had to not break open a bottle of wine or stuff myself with cake. But I didn't....I realized that that will only destroy what I've worked so hard for these past 14 weeks. But in my defense, when pulling up to get gas and putting the nozzle in my gas tank and pressing that "lock" so you dont have to hold it (which by the way, NEVER works), someone poked holes in the hose because gas was spraying out sideways and all over my damn clothes and I literally had to hose my full dressed body off on the side of the 76 station. I cant make this shit up...And to make it worse, I was on my way to an important meeting for my beauty business smelling like a gas station. Hours later my child threw my phone at my face and broke a beer bottle all over the floor....who'd a known a 1 year old could be an abusive alcoholic.

In light of the 9/11 anniversary , I have put my life in perspective. It's easy to be overwhelmed and feel like you have no alone time as a parent and a wife and struggle with the dreams that we, as once independent women had. I am trying to support my husband with his dreams, raise my child full time at home, also have my own business, so I am contributing to this world and making myself the best that I can be inside and out. This shit's tough...But I realize that there are people in this world who have huge heartbreak and survived unimaginable loss or gave birth to a child with an illness and I, right then and there, stop....stop complaining, stop feeling sorry for myself and move forward. I focus on the positive and I thank the universe for the life I've somehow created for myself...all of the paths that led me here...and I can't help but smile.

But oh ya....this is a fitness blog not a "bring the house down, talk about depressing shit blog" sooooo back to me and my body....

This week Geoff once again added some ridiculous shit. He bought a sled...And I don't mean a really cute, red Santa Clause situation. I mean a silver, sled shaped thing that you put extra weight on and push it forward while running. And if that weren't bad enough, he added pushups and overhead ball situps in between. Oh, and don't forget about the extra cardio and classes I'm taking each week. Im 14 weeks out, sooooo I guess we have to turn this shit up! My food has changed a little as I'm not eating any dairy, carbonated drinks, processed food, sugar ( I still have fruit) or alcohol. I friggin miss cheese....and wine...and red velvet cupcakes.....damn, why is life so cruel.

This is what I'm eating until Geoff tells me I can't , which by the way, will ruin any chance of him getting laid...just sayin....don't fuck with my peanut butter ;/

Breakfast:
Rice Cake with 1 tbs Peanut butter and 1 tsp honey
Tea with Splenda

Snack:
2 peanut butter balls
banana

Lunch:
Kale Salad (fuji apple, sunflower seeds, olive oil, balsamic, lemon) with 4 oz chicken
3 Omega 369 capsules (one with each big meal...damn horse pills if you ask me)

Snack: Protein shake with water and 1 cup of berries

Dinner:
 Taco bowl- 6 oz ground turkey, 1/2 cup brown rice, 1/2 cup black beans and salsa

I actually look forward to some of my meals and when you haven't had sugar your once "really gross chocolate protein shake" is now actually really darn good. And the 3 days of extra cardio has really helped my endurance in class. To all you Train Insaners, if you lag in the metcons or running is really a challenge for you, get out for 30 minutes 3 days a week and run or ride your bike....I swear it's made a huge difference in how I feel at the gym. But if you ride a bike, use a damn bike lane....I hate that shit.

Nighty Night,

Insane Bikini Momma

Mason Jar Overnight Oatmeal!! Yummmm!

These look so delish! I'm gonna make some this week!

For the recipe click here!

August 1st to September 1st progress photos!!

Insane Bikini Momma's Favorite Crockpot Breakfast

Crockpot Breakfast Casserole!!

There are so many easy ways to cook breakfast, but not all of them are in a rush...Especially if you're cooking eggs. I love to have something on the go that I can literally eat in the car on my way to the gym. So, this is a super easy recipe that you can cook overnight and it's ready by morning!!

If you're eating super clean, you can change the ingredients up a bit, but for now I'm adding some cheese and egg yolks :)

6 EGGS
6 EGGWHITES
1 DICED WHITE ONION
3 ADELLE HABANERO CHICKEN SAUSAGE (In natural meat section at any grocery store)
4 OZ SHREDDED SHARP CHEDDER
1 PACKAGE OF FROZEN PLAIN HASH BROWNS (Trader Joes has a great frozen one)

Spray crockpot with non stick spray.
Add hash browns on the bottom.
Put sausage on skillet and brown, then add on top of hash browns.
Throw cheese on, then add egg and onion mixture to top.

Cook on low for 9 hours and serve! Makes 8 servings realistically.

253 calories, 12 grams fat, 17 grams protein, 18 grams carbs.

ENJOY!!

Insane Bikini Momma

Week 12- Douchy Selfies And A Sore Vagina

It's almost 2pm as I lay and write this weeks entry overlooking my beach front property and listening to the sounds of the waves........

Oh...... I mean overlooking my Placentia condo dog pee patio and enjoying the sounds of the near by oil rig, but one can pretend can't they?......My baby's napping quietly, Geoff is also fucking napping and I'm on my weekly rant....

First off, Paleo is stupid. Of course in my opinion, but let's face it, I've been doing this for 12 weeks so at this point I'm considered a professional. Let me tell you why....Sure, I'll eat like a caveman, cause our stomachs probably break down food the same, and let me go down to the local meat market and buy a pound of buffalo and cook it with bacon and quail eggs, oh and some venison. And I'll eat that shit for the rest of my life cause I can afford weekly, fresh cuts of wildlife and organic fruits and veggies. As well as, every coconut item (flour, oil, milk) that can only be found at the most expensive grocery stores. And hope and pray that you become really skinny and amazing, because you'll need to become America's Next Top Model quick, as now you're homeless and broke. Or find an exotic island like Tom Hanks in "Cast Away," cause that shit's free there.

On to Cardio. It continues 4 days a week and is soooo amazing btw...Especially a stationary bike. That's not only a leg crusher it's also a vagina/ass bone destroyer. I'm sorry but WHO (Amanda Gordon) is paying for cycling classes?! I'd rather be gang raped ( OK, maybe not) but it's horrible....I'd take a root canal instead for sure. And running?! Who does this for fun?! Who actually signs up for a marathon or a 10k?! You people are on crack and have clearly never heard of "sleep, relaxation, massage, tv, or shopping!".... Cardio is bullshit. I know I need it, I'm gonna do it, but I hate it and playing " Fighter" by Christina Aguilera on my iPod on repeat is a necessity.

My food is pretty much the same as last week except I've switched out lunch and dinner for a taco bowl cause we ran out of chicken and had turkey in the fridge. I haven't had sugar in 12 weeks and I don't drink anymore ( I know....you REALLY wanna be friends with me. Let's hang out). But when I was and able to save the calories, I measured out no more than 4 oz ( which btw in a pinch, a baby bottle is a perfect little measuring cup on the go...just sayin).

And I feel like this week was a graduation week of some sorts because I wore PINK PANTS to the gym...not sweat pants but a Capri spandex lil number that required a seamless nude thong. Not sure what I was thinking ( actually I was thinking I was Amanda Gordon..no need to Google...20 something, great legs sister), but I thought if I've been working my ass off then possibly I've earned pink pants? ....Only problem was making sure throughout my entire workout that I was standing up straight, sucking in the tummy, tightening the butt and avoiding camel toe at all possible. But Natasha and I came up with a camel toe code word just incase.....I mean, what are girlfriends for anyway.

                                                      We're good....no camel toe....

Geoff told me this week that soon I will be doing an hour of cardio plus classes plus 10 minutes of rowing while at the same time taking away food. Here's the thing....I thought doing a bikini show would get me into shape and lean me out and I'd be in the best shape of my life, but, I kinda envisioned eating better, going to TI classes, taking walks, hiking, talking....I am basically SCA-REWED...waaaaaahhhhh.

Well, here's to no "white stuff," long runs in hopefully an air conditioned space, cycling while incorporating a sweatshirt under my ass and giving it my all.....just 106 days and counting.....while raising a baby....and a dog...and....a husband...and no alcohol.

Yep.....I got this....

Insane Bikini Momma

Week 11- Man, I got Issues.

Let me begin this last weeks rant by telling you all about my problems ( I mean, compared to some I may not even have any real problems...like Jaycee Duggard...she had some REAL problems...if you don't know who that is don't google it...it'll ruin your day).

 I really can't blame my so called problems on my clean eating since at 11 weeks I'm kinda gettin used to this. I don't really miss sugar that much, surprisingly, but I do miss the occasional lazy days on the couch watching some ridiculous reality show while downing a bag of chips or Cheese-its not keeping count of how many I've put in my mouth, but those days are behind me. I have made an oath to myself to change my life and eat better and I'm pretty sure the Cheese-its got me in this mess...or the pizza...or the In N Out..or the cake...shit....moving on.

As my friend Melissa Loya says, "I'm surprised your dog hasn't made it in a Sarah McLaughlin infomercial yet for everything he's done." Let me just tell you that my dog is a dick. Now, I don't abuse animals, but Oliver has made me a crazy person and contributed to my mental breakdown. Not only does he shit and piss in my house AFTER I try to take him out and he doesnt go, but he lifts his leg on my childs bedroom door and pees on it. I'm pretty sure thats more of a "fuck you" to Colton than it is to me. And when I let him out on our patio for some fresh air, he likes to PEE off the balcony and create a waterfall effect and anyone walking under my patio gets a little refreshing mist. Not only does he have a bathroom issue at the age of 6, but he manages to get Colton to feed him every piece of food originally meant for my child. I do like the fact that that he poses as a vacuum cleaner in time of need, but i'll tell you what I don't like......
When I come home, cook my dinner, last chicken breast in the house, set my warm dinner on the table, walk away for 2 minutes to put my baby down to sleep so I can finally eat because I'm STARVING and I come back to find that Oliver has EATEN MY FOOD!!! That will create lots of tears and the sudden urge to throw your dog off the pee balcony.

I'd like to mention that we had another wedding to go to this past weekend and luckily I packed some peanut butter balls in my purse as a snack, but the problem with that is, it's not a dinner option. I just think to break out a tupperware meal is against some wedding law and everyone at your table is gonna look at you like a crazy person. It all worked out though, because we only had a babysitter until 8:30 and the buffet opened up to eat close to 8:00, so I told Geoff, "Eat a bread roll fast cause we gotta go." So, that's the trick....if you're trying to eat clean and there are probably no options for you at a wedding buffet, have your grandmother watch your child so you have to be home around 8.

Going back to my problems, I can no longer at this point have carbonated drinks according to my husband slash coach....good luck trying to have enough energy to run 30 minutes, do an hour long class and then row for 5 minutes at a very hard level without an energy drink of some kind. It was my one thing keeping me sane....a Diet Coke or Monster once every couple days.  I gave up cupcakes and candy so, like WTF?!

On another note, I can't believe my baby is a year old..... August 16th, 2013 was the year anniversary of me squeezing this full head of hair baby out of my vagina and having no clue what on earth I was supposed to do with him. Since then, I've become quite the professional mom toting my child wherever I go, although, still wondering how it's taken a year for me to get back into shape, questioning the universe as to why I still have this brown pregnancy line down my stomach and wondering how I can zap some of these damn spider veins off my legs....Thank you Colton.

For those of you who are wondering what I'm eating, this is how it goes:

Breakfast: 2 eggs and half Adelle's Chicken Sausage. Cup of tea with Splenda.

Snack- Banana,1 cup strawberries and 1 Chobani greek yogurt ( including dairy this week..for me, it didn't make much of a difference).

Lunch- 3 cups of Kale, 4 oz. chicken, tsp soy sauce, 2 tbs sunflower seeds, 1 tbs olive oil, squeeze lemon. Really yummy salad when tossed all togehter.

Snack-  2 Peanut Butter Balls (recipe is on my blog)

Snack- Protein shake (Chocolate Cytosport from Costco) and 8 oz water and an apple.

Dinner- 4 oz chicken, 1 cup veggies, 1 cup rice or 1 sweet potato

(I bake sweet potatoes at 400 for about 45 min depending on size. I don't foil them...and for the chicken and veggies I put chicken in a glass dish with lemon and then add diced up zucchini, onion and mushrooms on top and add seasoning to everything..no oil. I bake at 350 for about an hour. Super easy and you can put the extra in tupperware for future dinners. I also love to add pumpkin pie spice and a little splenda to the sweet potato. It's kinda like pumpkin pie :)

I try to eat my last meal before 8pm and sometimes I switch up the order in which im eating them....I may want dinner as lunch or feel like a different snack :) 

Now, these breakdowns are according to my activity level, so I don't suggest eating everything I eat if you can't exercise regularly. However, focusing on eating whole foods that are in their natural state and not packaged or frozen is a good start! I definitely recommend eating my lunch and dinner if it sounds good to you and incorporating a protein shake low in calories along with fruit... You can't really go wrong :)

I'm still 16 weeks out so my food right now is totally do able and thankfully so far my body is responding. This is my first bikini show, so if it's not perfect i'll learn from it, but I just want to be able to get on stage and say that I couldn't have done one more thing better and I busted my ass. Wherever that takes me I'm proud of.....But let's be honest, I'd like to look better than ONE person ;)

Till next week,

Insane Bikini Momma

Week 10- More of my life and, oh ya, a wedding and some other shit.

Hello out there!!! How are you?!

 ...OK, ....NOW BACK TO ME!!....This blog writing thing is a bit narcissistic if you think about it. Like anyone really gives a shit about my weekly routine, and my struggles and my married life, but then again you're the people who watch The Kardashians, and I'm a little like that. Well....except for the mass amounts of money, big houses, nice clothes, several assistants, and trips to Greece. But let's face it, I'm probably more entertaining.

This week for me was pretty succesful! I got back on track from being sick and logged all of my calories per day. I managed to walk 3 miles to the grocery store and back while lugging my dog and child. I even got a dirty whistle from some pedophile van, but I'll take what I can get at this point.

I've switched up my food a bit and I'm focusing on eating "cleaner"....I realize that carb depleting is in my future, so I'm still trying to enjoy the occasional eggo waffle with a tablespoon of peanut butter and half of a banana, but then Geoff reminds me that frozen food is shit even if I log the 80 calories for the waffle. To which I reply, "not fucking fair". To which he gives me a look like, "you wanted to do this". So, I kicked the eggo waffle out and replaced it with oatmeal or rice cakes or Jamie Eason's Carrot Cake Protein Bars, which are amazing and you should Google, and if you happen to watch her video or see her picture, you,  A) may have the motivation you need to walk out the door and go to the gym before making those bars or B) gorge yourself with pizza because life has been so unfair to everyone but her....clearly.
 (Note: after proof reading this to Geoff, he said Jamie Eason had breast cancer soooo I take it back :/)

In case you're wondering, kale is my new favorite thing. I've been making lots of fun salads full of quinoa, chicken, nuts, grated parmesan, and veggies. Geoff laughs when he looks over at me while making my kale salads and asks, "what are you doing?" I then tell him, "I'm massaging the kale." But seriously, you have to! You have to take a tablespoon of olive oil and rub it into the kale leaves, otherwise it's like a crunchy weed.

I've upped my cardio this week per my slave driver husband, and this is what it looks like:

4 days Train Insane classes
3 days rowing 5 minutes as fast as possible
3 days of 30 minute running or cycling
(then die, barf, cry)

On a lighter, sweeter note, Geoff's cousin got married this last Saturday and I managed to squeeze my bod into a size small Forever 21 dress and rock very high heels, which I haven't worn since before I got pregnant for obvious reasons. My husband was adorable in his seersucker suit and between his outfit and my fake diamonds and tangerine lipstick with big lashes we looked like that douche couple from Miami...but we rocked it.

We sat at a table that I'm pretty sure had every old person over the age of 75, but just so you know, that's a really amazing thing. They are FULL of compliments.They all wished they were young again living vicariously through us, asking questions about our lives and wanting to see pictures of Colton....One of the ladies at the table said to me, " You know who you look like?...that girl from Mad Men....January Jones!"...well, hot damn lady, I'll take it!

Now, I'm gonna confess and say that I didn't pack tupperware at this wedding. I had pre-ordered the chicken because I thought I may not be able to eat the sides, but, if I know wedding food there's at least a salad with no dressing that I can add my chicken to and worst case I'll eat a bread roll with the chicken if the salad has dressing and My Fitness Pal can guesstimate the calories. I mean, it's one night......
Well..........it was a complete fail because the chicken came breaded and everything I had planned in my mind went wrong! My husband saw I may cry, so him being selfless (or afraid of a possible breakdown) gave me his steak, which I then added to the salad dressing- free salad and I was WINNING ;)

 Note to self: Be prepared wherever I go, because I don't know shit.

Moving on, I'm learning new things everyday about food and my body. For example, I found getting rid of the Luna bar I was eating per day really made a difference in my weight loss. I think it's a better choice than Carls Jr, but there is definitely something to eating cleaner foods in their natural state. This new week I'm cutting out dairy to see how I feel. It really is a process of elimination and seeing what works and what doesn't. I now have a cooler in the back of my car full of drinks and food so when I'm running errands I just open my trunk and tailgate....I have no shame....people look at me like I'm nuts, but hey, if the end of the world comes you'll wanna be in my car...just sayin.

Lastly, I wanna give a quick shout out to my sister Leah, who is trying this eating cleaner thing and prepping her food on Sundays. Her week was super successful because she planned it all out. Now, shes a single mom with a very diva-ish 4 year old who leaves for work in the early morning and shleps her kid to school while she puts in a good 10 hours before she gets home. She is the sole provider for her and her daughter because she decided to have sex with a man who doesn't like to work and pay, but that's a story for another day. Point is, she is JUST as busy as you ...so get it done.

Oh, and I ate a few Kettle chips on Sunday and our friend David asked me, " Are you gonna blog that you ate that?" So since I'm real and David's a dick, I'm blogging that I ate a few chips (but I did include them in my calorie total thank you very much). So, now you all know I'm imperfect, however, David, if you're reading this, I'm telling Kayla to ban all sexual favors.

Good night my friends,

Insane Bikini Momma

Week 9- Kim K, you are such a liar. Oh, and some new shit about me.

Hello blog reading world!!

This week in my bikini transformation life was super lame. Monday I made it to the gym and then Monday night I caught a damn cold/ flu combo. I was down and out for the entire week and had already planned a trip up north to visit my mom for her all girls weekend, which consists of her kicking my poor step dad out to live with the neighbors for the weekend while she entertains a bunch of women who come ready to drink, eat, lay half naked in the sun, and do art projects.....well, lets be honest, my 26 year old sister and her 22 year old friend were the only ones lying half naked in the sun topless with thongs....must be nice......no responsibilities, no stretch marks, no fat, good tans....go fuck yourselves....

Ok, got off subject on my hater for young, perfect people rant, but my point was I felt like shit. I barely got a workout in and all I could manage to stomach was soup, crackers and fruit. Being sick sucks and I'm pretty sure I'm a perfect candidate for sickness since I'm on a calorie deficit and forgot to take my damn multivitamin for an entire week :/

One thing I have to mention is this Kim Kardashian situation. She apparently sent a video to her moms new show saying, " I wish I could be there, but I'm just loving this mom thing a little too much at home right now." ....Kim, you are a big liar! Let's please tell the truth....Kim thought this weight thing was temporary and it would melt off as soon the baby popped out. She's now finding she's bigger than ever and could not possibly step foot outdoors, because god forbid paparazzi took photos of her and they ended up on the cover of every US Weekly magazine. She needs to hide so when she DOES come out of hiding she's been starving herself on precooked, premeasured meals and had a trainer kicking her ass at her home gym and she can pretend she's looked like that since week 2 post baby. And I'm sorry, I love my child and was so excited to be a mom and bond with my baby, but a girl needs a damn break! A lunch out, a breather, time to herself, time to feel like a human again and it would be nice if Kim could be real! I would love to hear a celeb have a baby and then post a video saying, " Look, I'm not comin out for a long time, because this shit is fucked up and I'm enormous and awaiting my diet premade meals and my trainer is gonna kill me in the gym tomorrow and I want to run away from this new life...oh, but my baby is really sweet and cute and I would'nt change anything...but WHAT THE FUCK!?"

....Jenny McCarthy would probably say that.

Anyway, I still feel like dog shit and attempted to hit the gym yesterday ( bad idea). One of our amazing members made me soup, but what the fuck, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S IN IT!!! How do you ask nicely without being a complete diva, "Excuse me, can you please tell me everything that you put in it? Like, actually, can you just write it down and include the proper measurements? Cause it looks really fucking good, BUT I CANT EAT IT!!! AHHHH!". #fitgirlproblems

I've just come to terms with the fact that I may not get more amazing this week. I'm taking care of myself, logging calories, aiming for success, but my health is more important so I'm listening to my body. Plus, I feel like I have Vertigo all of a sudden...god, Im a freakin mess.

And lastly, If you've decided to sign up for a bikini show after having a baby and you're only giving yourself 6 months, don't Google Image " Excalibur Bikini Competition." It will lead to excessive xanax taking and the possible urge to drink 3 bottles of wine, because those bitches are your competition....mother fuckers.

Here's to 400 meter walking lunges next week ;)

Signing off,

Insane Bikini Momma

Week 8- Finally I See Some Results And P.s....The Orange County Fair Is Gross!

Once upon a time there was this really impatient chick who wanted results like now, and she learned that that shit just wasn't gonna happen in 2 weeks or even 7 weeks, but in 8 weeks a fuckin miracle happened and she started changing!! Other people started noticing and telling her finally that she was lookin amazing.... So, the moral of this story is it's total bullshit, but if you hang in there just 8 weeks and do all the shit you're supposed to do, all your hard work will start paying off. But lets face it, most of us say "fuck it" by week 3 :/

I have to say though, that I honestly thought this would be harder....Now don't get me wrong... I have my moments. Especially when having to attend parties and festivities or traveling, which luckily is few and far between. And it's tough when someone says "lets do champagne brunch on Sunday" and you can't go for obvious reasons. But you get into a rhythm and after awhile you don't really crave the sweets you used to not be able to live without. Now, this may all change when I'm 12 weeks out and carb depleting, but for now its do-able :) You just really have to keep your calendar open for several months and make no serious plans because that's where it all goes out the window. You become slightly anti social but you can get creative and have friends over and teach them clean eating recipes while you feed them your latest crock pot creation ;)

Now, if you continue eating like shit and give up on life you'll become one of the fair people I saw on Sunday. If you want to eat clean and change your life and are having a hard time doing so, go to the Orange County Fair and look at the people that are walking around. You'll want to clean up your shit real quick. I have never seen so many overweight people eating the most disgusting crap. I'm a total sugar person so I get it, but take anything already horrible for you and deep fry it just for shits and giggles...And BY THE WAY what is "bacon cotton candy??!!!"who creates this shit?! Is there a gross fair people committee that puts these recipes together? Are they still alive? There wasn't ONE fresh fruit stand and it took me an hour to find someone who sold unsweetened ice tea. And I'm sorry, that enormous turkey leg?! If you're one of those people walking around chomping on that I have two things to say to you, " You look ridiculous and close your mouth when you chew...you're not a caveman." If you think that's healthy, it has more calories than a serving of fried Oreos. Just sayin...

Now on a healthy note, I've been religious about eating clean and hitting my 1700 calories every day and other than traveling a few weeks ago, I haven't missed a beat. I am focused and decided that I wasn't gonna be that mom that felt sorry for herself. I talk to so many people in the gym that lose motivation and kind of get into a rut. I think the key is to have a goal. A goal of some kind, which I know I've mentioned before, but I think it's SUPER important. Also, throughout the process, you will go from being super motivated to just wanting to give up. The point in which you start to see the changes is when your motivation and determination will be unstoppable. And like Geoff has told me for the last 2 months, "Just hang in there a little longer." He is so right....damn, I hate that.

 I love this picture below...It says it all. If only he would have just kept at it a little longer....

Lastly, here is my progress in just 8 weeks  :)

                                         Week 1                                                                         Week 8

 XO! Insane Bikini Momma