Week 8- Finally I See Some Results And P.s....The Orange County Fair Is Gross!

Once upon a time there was this really impatient chick who wanted results like now, and she learned that that shit just wasn't gonna happen in 2 weeks or even 7 weeks, but in 8 weeks a fuckin miracle happened and she started changing!! Other people started noticing and telling her finally that she was lookin amazing.... So, the moral of this story is it's total bullshit, but if you hang in there just 8 weeks and do all the shit you're supposed to do, all your hard work will start paying off. But lets face it, most of us say "fuck it" by week 3 :/

I have to say though, that I honestly thought this would be harder....Now don't get me wrong... I have my moments. Especially when having to attend parties and festivities or traveling, which luckily is few and far between. And it's tough when someone says "lets do champagne brunch on Sunday" and you can't go for obvious reasons. But you get into a rhythm and after awhile you don't really crave the sweets you used to not be able to live without. Now, this may all change when I'm 12 weeks out and carb depleting, but for now its do-able :) You just really have to keep your calendar open for several months and make no serious plans because that's where it all goes out the window. You become slightly anti social but you can get creative and have friends over and teach them clean eating recipes while you feed them your latest crock pot creation ;)

Now, if you continue eating like shit and give up on life you'll become one of the fair people I saw on Sunday. If you want to eat clean and change your life and are having a hard time doing so, go to the Orange County Fair and look at the people that are walking around. You'll want to clean up your shit real quick. I have never seen so many overweight people eating the most disgusting crap. I'm a total sugar person so I get it, but take anything already horrible for you and deep fry it just for shits and giggles...And BY THE WAY what is "bacon cotton candy??!!!"who creates this shit?! Is there a gross fair people committee that puts these recipes together? Are they still alive? There wasn't ONE fresh fruit stand and it took me an hour to find someone who sold unsweetened ice tea. And I'm sorry, that enormous turkey leg?! If you're one of those people walking around chomping on that I have two things to say to you, " You look ridiculous and close your mouth when you chew...you're not a caveman." If you think that's healthy, it has more calories than a serving of fried Oreos. Just sayin...

Now on a healthy note, I've been religious about eating clean and hitting my 1700 calories every day and other than traveling a few weeks ago, I haven't missed a beat. I am focused and decided that I wasn't gonna be that mom that felt sorry for herself. I talk to so many people in the gym that lose motivation and kind of get into a rut. I think the key is to have a goal. A goal of some kind, which I know I've mentioned before, but I think it's SUPER important. Also, throughout the process, you will go from being super motivated to just wanting to give up. The point in which you start to see the changes is when your motivation and determination will be unstoppable. And like Geoff has told me for the last 2 months, "Just hang in there a little longer." He is so right....damn, I hate that.

 I love this picture below...It says it all. If only he would have just kept at it a little longer....

Lastly, here is my progress in just 8 weeks  :)

                                         Week 1                                                                         Week 8

 XO! Insane Bikini Momma

Week 7- Food, Fevers and Fuckin Jenna Dewan Tatum

First, let's talk about the food....it's the least exciting thing to discuss, as chicken and turkey have been my go to staples combined with anything exciting that can make it less disgusting. I've been researching lots of "clean eating" recipes to switch it up and get creative, but here's the thing...I hate cooking. I'm one of those microwave, food kit people where you just open the salad bag and all the nuts, cranberries and blue cheese are included. And why does cooking cost a bazillion dollars? I need like 25 items I've never heard of and can only be found at the health food store. Oh! And I can't forget to mention the ridiculous cleanup process of cooking! Yes, let me cook all day and then clean up all the shit and then run my dishwasher nine times. Wtf....where's my personal chef? :/ ...Luckily, I have found some easy, 4 ingredient recipes that ill be sharing this week and please, if you know of any pass my way. I'm gonna write a cookbook called, " Clean Eating, Only 4 Ingredients, No Bake, No Clean, Bikini Body, Easy As Shit Meals." It may be a hit ;)

Let's move on to fevers. My poor child with a 102 temp for half the week. When you're on 1700 calories, can't drink, can't have sugar and the most exciting part of your day is watching your baby hip thrust to "hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog" and he now has no interest in doing that, it really puts a damper on your day. This whole mom thing, and figuring out what I'm doing on a daily basis is pretty hysterical. You think dieting is hard?  That's a no brainer compared to what's in store when you push a baby out.

Speaking of babies, FUCK YOU Jenna Dewan Tatum. #1 I'm unsubscribing from US Weekly's stupid email news. #2 Did she really JUST have a baby?! Now, I realize that I wasn't a size 0 before or a professional dancer in Justin Timberlake videos but what the fuck....I was a character at Disneyland 10 years ago...does that count?!! And go ahead, Google that shit..."Jenna Dewan Tatum post baby body"....WHERE IS HER LITTLE POOCH? OR BIG POOCH?! How on earth did her baby belly deflate in like a month?! I wore those spanks situations and let me tell you, those do nothing but push the fat to the lower thighs and upper back! And they're hot and sweaty and you don't have a butt crack! I'm serious....they give you a crack-less butt...And good luck peeing in those fuckers. Anyway, even IF Jenna is wearing a Kardashian tummy wrap or stupid spanks her waist SHOULD NOT look like that a month later.......ugh....I need some serious therapy.....

Well, on the bright side, I bought some new costume jewelry from Seattle that I love, The Killing is on tonight, I've got a baby sleeping, some Crockpot Chicken Taco Chili cookin, and I've had some time to reflect about this last week and how I could have done things better. I am putting new goals into action and going to be perfect on documenting all of my food. No sharing with Colton, cause I have no idea what portion he eats, no having just "1 chip" as that leads to me wanting to attack the whole bowl, drinking more water, and pushing myself a tad harder during my workouts, as I feel like ever since I returned from our trip I've been a bit unmotivated. I'm not gonna let this week hold me back...I'm gonna get off my butt and keep workin! (Especially since I was tagged in THE WORST photo of myself this week...gonna put it next to my bed so it forces me to get my shit together).

Moving forward, I'm posting pics at the 1st of every month, because Geoff said from week to week there's not a big enough difference and I'm gonna make myself bat shit crazy trying to compare my body in short periods of time (well that, and the fact that he may go insane listening to me every Sunday have a nervous breakdown ;)

And, of course, I spoke to soon....I now have a screaming child in the next room and that's gonna put off the end of my blog and my ever so promised "deep tissue massage" from my husband. But let's face it....it woulda been 2 minutes of shoulder rubbing followed by a boob grab, so how does a girl relax around here?!??

Insane Bikini Momma

No Bake Peanut Butter Protein Balls! You must make these!!!! Yummmm!

I'm gonna start posting my favorite recipes that are easy and yummy! Here's my new fave! These lil babies taste like cookie dough!!!!!

Peanut Butter Protein Balls
1 cup chocolate protein powder ( Costco Citosport is awesome)
1 cup crunchy natural peanut butter
1/2 cup honey
1/2 cup oat bran (I bought at Trader Joes). Looks like oatmeal but smaller.

Mix everything up in a bowl and roll into 33 walnut size balls. Place on a foil or wax paper covered pan and pop in the fridge! You can eat them at any time (don't go crazy). 2 of them are a great pre workout or on the go snack! Kids LOVE them!!

Calories 70 ea.
Protien 7 grams
Carbs 6 grams
Fat 3 grams

Enjoy!!!

Insane Bikini Momma

Week 6-Clean Eating Tips While On Vacation Are Bullshit :)

So, I know....I suck. I'm a couple days late gettin this out because we were traveling to Washington! I must have planned and paid for a trip to visit friends in Seattle when I wasn't dieting :/....It all sounded absolutely fabulous at the time of purchase, however, before I left it honestly stressed me the fuck out. I read a bunch of blogs and took tips from some clean eating sites that told you how to travel and still stay consistent....but let me be honest and say, you're not gonna do any of that shit.

I managed to pack a lifetime supply of Luna bars and protein powder, but I'm sorry, the idea of checking a cooler full of meals for 4 days is completely insane. Especially when Alaska airlines wants to charge you $44 bucks to do it. Then I thought, " Oh, I'll shop when I get there and prep food in our friends kitchen." Ya, that's not awkward. "So nice to see you...Oh, you want to go out and celebrate? Oh and wine taste? Oh, and take the kids out to the park?...ya...well....I've got to stay here and cook and measure my portions.. Oh, and can I borrow your car to run to the grocery store?" I mean seriously?! Who does that?! I guess REALLY serious people do, but that just makes me slightly less than a human being, and even though I cuss like a sailor, and I only hope Colton doesn't pick up on it, I'm not an asshole guest.

I am gonna admit that I probably could have done better, but I did learn one thing. Even though I'm pretty sure I lost track of my calories the second day there, I made SMARTER choices. Did I have a glass of wine? Yes..Did I eat portions without measuring them? Yes ( Did I manage to start my period a week early? What the fuck..yes) BUT! I passed on dessert, made an effort to make better choices, and envisioned what a handful of nuts looked like since now I know what a 1/4 measurement is. Part of me was disappointed, but the other part was impressed that in 6 weeks I've really learned how to be better. Maybe not perfect, but much much better. Now if my bikini contest was next week I'd be fucked, but I won't kick myself for now.

And let me mention on a side note, that as bad as candy is for you, fruit is just as lethal. I thought if we had an activity that was outside and fun for all like "Rasberry Picking in Snohomish Washington" that we could avoid any unnecessary indulging and eat berries instead, while working to get them of course, but $22 dollars and 3 hours later that was like chewing 16 packs of sugar free gum or drinking a gallon of Crystal Light! That is one fucked up gastro intestinal issue. Just sayin.

Anyway, we survived and we made it back last night. I have jumped back on the wagon and started logging my food as usual. Still need to hit up the grocery store and cook, but luckily we still had the basics in the fridge. Now if my damn dog could figure out how to beat anxiety while we're gone and not chew his entire feet off and cost me $100 bucks today at the vet that would be a major accomplishment.

Lastly, I have no one to take my weekly picture at the moment (which I'm not gonna say I'm sad about), but as soon as my hubby returns ill get on it and post it....that should be fun...can I take my weekly after pic in candle light do you think? Fuck.....

Insane Bikini Momma

Week 5- I made it 5 weeks so find out how I'm doing it!!

 First of all, let me apologize for my day late blog post...yesterday was supposed to be my cook everything, clean house, run errands, write new blog kind of day, but then my husband decided to get the fucking flu and everything went south. Am I alone when I say that I REALLY wanted to punch my husband in the face when he asked me for a blanket or food or even when he apologized for being sick (and helpless and a big pain in my ass)?!!! Wtf?! If I get sick I've got to take care of a husband and a baby and a dog, but when men get sick they're a bunch of pussy's. Just sayin.....

Second of all, let me say that I made it a whole month in this insane bikini transformation !!!! Woohoo!! Partyyyy for meeeeeee!!!! I'm actually in awe of the fact that I've been so strict with myself for 5 whole weeks! I think I finally got on a roll and started seeing some changes so a little piece of myself just had to keep this shit goin! What's really sad is that this is totally doable. When I say sad, I mean because I could have done this a long time ago but instead I put it off and gave up and never stayed consistent. What's even more sad is that I've been with Geoff for 10 years and just never really wanted to listen to him or follow his advice. I'm pretty much the WORST client ever. Anyway, better late than never, so here I am ;)

Let's talk about Grocery shopping....it's pretty much bullshit. I have to literally go to 4 stores to get everything between Geoff, myself and the baby. Seriously Trader Joes?! You can't sell baby items? and I'm sorry but why will my husband only eat the salsa at Smart n Final?! My family and the universe are fucking with me on a daily basis. But, I try to bust out shopping only once a week so I get it done and it's over with.

When it comes to shopping here's my tips:

-Plan out your meals for the week, so you have a handy list of the foods you need and you wont get side tracked looking at the chips and salsa.
-Grab a bunch of those produce bags so you don't have to keep pulling them off for every fruit and veggie you pick up..you can have them in your cart when you need one...this is just for the lazy people like me. 
-Buy Luna bars for snacks...those things are the bomb! Blueberry Bliss, Honey Pretzel Peanut, and Coconut Chocolate Macadamia are ridiculous.
 -The boxed frozen rice at Trader Joes is awesome because I suck at cooking rice and all ya do is microwave it for 3 min. If it's easy you'll stay on track :)
-If you don't own a crock pot you need one now!! The thought of putting food in there, going to bed and having it cook by itself is kind of amazing. My favorite is throwing a package of 4 chicken breasts in there with a salsa that you love and doing chicken tacos! So easy and so cheap!
-Save money at the store by keeping it simple. Eat the same things for a week.  If you give yourself too much variety you will most likely cheat and not want to log your food (story of my life).

Now, here's what my food looks like this week. 1700 calories. 170 g. carbs, 127 g. protein,  57 g. fat.

Breakfast- 1 cup banana peanut butter oatmeal (amazing and made in crock pot. 4 bananas, 2 tsp cinnamon, 1/2 c. peanut butter, 1/4 c agave nectar, 4 cups water and 1 cup steel cut oats. Makes 8, 1 c. servings. 215 calories).
2 eggs
1/2 link Adelle's chicken habanero sausage

Late morning snack- Luna bar

Lunch- 4 oz chicken breast
1/4 c. feta
1 tbs olive oil
1 tbs balsamic
2 cups spinach
1/4 c quinoa

Late afternoon snack- apple

Post workout snack- Chocolate protein shake (Costco Cytosport bag of chocolate) with water.

 Dinner - 4 oz chicken breast
1 c. sauteed mushrooms, zucchini, and onion mix
1/2 c. sweet potato cubed and baked with 1 tsp. pumpkin pie spice

*I don't always eat these in this order, so its nice to eat what you feel like when you want it. I just make sure I only eat the items I've packed for the day.

This is my menu for Monday-Sunday. I've been doing ground turkey in taco bowls and if I have one more taco bowl I may shrivel up and die, so I'm moving onto chicken this week. I made everything yesterday and either put it in tupperware or plastic baggies to save space in the fridge. The cleanup is a bitch and it's really fun cooking when your child is screamin at you, but well worth it Monday morning when all you need to do is pack your lunch bag and not think about it. I have found that if I'm prepared then this is a no brainer. You get on a roll and it does seem like part of your routine after a few weeks. The only thing that's been hard is that the weekends seem monotonous and you don't really look forward to going to parties, bbq's, etc. And eating out is definitely out of the question. But all the fit people I know say that this will just suck now...getting to my goal. But once I'm there a cheat day is allowed every now and again...one can only hope.

Now, the food and busting my ass in the gym seem to be the easy part...But I have to be honest and say that today I'm having a day. I try not to weigh myself because that can be easily discouraging, but this is the first time that I feel frustrated at my work so far. I have been busting my ass and see slight results on camera. I almost don't want to post my picture each week, because it usually ends with Geoff and I screaming at each other that he "took a bad photo" when in fact, that's just really what I look like. I understand why people give up and throw in the towel because you bust your ass and the results come so slowly...it's honestly super fucked up. But, I'm gonna stop hating on myself today and get to the gym and hope that Geoff is right when he says, "just hang in a little longer."

 Fuck you instant gratification......

last weeks pic                                                                                          This weeks pic





  

Week 4 - Are you testing me?

Let me just start out my witty rant this week by explaining how the universe brought people into my life that literally fucked with me.....

First, I went to the local farmers market. Harmless...organic fruits and veggies, maybe some pretty flowers for my house, and as I walked thru the aisles heard several voices saying, "come check out my salsa and chips," "come try my bundt cakes," "come try my kettle corn".... (now when I say voices, I mean there were people actually talking...I'm not going insane yet...at least I think) and then I came across a table of jams. That's right, fruit jams of all flavors. Adorable packaging, cute labels, but still I can't buy any. Too much sugar, don't know measurements or how many calories in each serving. I mean I could guess, but you know what they say about guessing and dieting..."you're still chubby"... (well, actually no one says that, I'm just assuming that's how it works). Anyway, the jam people wanted me to try a sample and I was like, "no that's okay," in a very nice tone, and then they said, "what, you don't like jam" and I was like, " yes, of course I like jam" and then they were like, " I mean, our jam is good " and I was like " ya, I'm sure your jam is good" and then it turned into me in the shopping mall walking by those kiosks where people want to straighten your hair, give you a sample or "ask you a question" and all I wanted to do was scream and yell, "I'm on a fucking diet!!!! I don't want your damn jam!! I'm sure it's good!! Probably delicious, but fuck off!!!!"
 Leave me alone crazy jam people!!!!

I'll now move on to my mani pedi. I'm a new mom to a 10 month old who rarely has time to herself so this was a treat! My girlfriend took me to a new place in Orange to get our nails done. I was excited, ready to relax and clear my head, had my protein shake in my purse if I got hungry....and then....they offered me champagne...complimentary champagne. When does that ever happen?! I said "no thanks" and sat back in my massage chair. Then....THEY BROUGHT ME A FUCKING PLATE OF CANDY!!!! I'm not even kidding, here's the photo for proof.

 How does that even happen?!?! Where's my US Weekly or People mag?! Geezus! (managed to avoid the candy plate...thankfully there was a very strange assortment..you know, butterscotch and strawberry hard candies...who likes those?! Yuck)

And finally, my Saturday bridal shower situation...... Here's the deal, this was the biggest event for me since starting to eat clean and I could not fuck this up! I wouldn't have missed it, but I knew it was gonna suck balls. I packed an apple and my taco bowl which I had pre measured at home (4 oz ground turkey, 1/2 c black beans, 1/2 c brown rice, 2/3 cup corn, lime and cilantro). Its kind of awkward, to say the least, having to ask the host if you could use their microwave to heat up your lunch. BUT, a bikini momma must do what a bikini momma must do! And seriously, you would never have believed what they served at this shower!!! A 6 FOOT, AS TALL AS MY HUSBAND, BURRITO!!!!! I have never in my life seen anything like it! (please see larger than life burrito below...2 actually)

 And on top of that, someone made homemade chocolate marshmallow pops and chocolate covered strawberries! Why is the universe so damn cruel?! And I don't even want to get into the corset cake....the boobs alone could have fed a starving family in Africa. But, let me say, after all that, I stayed strong. Didn't indulge, stayed true to my 1700 calories and the world didn't end. On a side note, I recommend dragging your 10 month old to these types of festivities, because you will have absolutely no time to even consider picking up a marshmallow stick (good boy my busy Colton).

Lastly, I just want to express to all of you who read my blog weekly (thank you), that in only 4 weeks I've seen some major results. Not only in the way I look, but also in the way I feel. If I would have only committed myself to 4 weeks months or even years ago, look what I could have done. And I've learned sadly, in the last month, that it's ALL ABOUT THE FOOD. If you can't change it, you won't ever get the results you're looking for. It's such a simple thing to know, yet a much harder thing to do. But if you never do it, you'll never know how darn fabulous you can be.

Here's my half naked bikini shot this week (funny how I DON'T regret NOT eating that burrito or marshmallow yesterday ;)

 June 16 2013       June 23 2013                                       June 30 2013

Insane Bikini Momma

Week 3...You are such a bitch.

As I sit here journaling my 3rd week, I'm realizing how many more damn weeks I have left of this transformation or maybe I should rename it "new way of life." This week is kind of a bitch, because I'm on my damn period (might be an over share but I'm at a calorie deficit so guess who doesn't give a shit) and I just want a VERY large piece of chocolate cake...ill really take any flavor actually....I may even feel compelled to take one out of the trash if I saw one. And of all nights, the new episode of "Housewives of Orange County" had a scene where they were serving CAKE martinis. Fuck...you.... There were even SPRINKLES on the rim...ugh. And can I just say, that I love how those housewives will drink unlimited glasses of champagne, but won't eat any carbs. Cracks me up.

 I'll move on and share that I survived the need for sugar after having a conversation with my husband about food and "why I feel I need sugar," which by the way, I don't recommend. Geoff and I have lived the last 10 years knowing that I just have no desire to discuss food with him. He is a crazy person who just doesn't love sweets that much. He'll say he does, but people it's just not true. This guy could eat fucking ground turkey tacos, eggs, chicken sausage and potatoes for the rest of his life and be content...... (wait, I take that back, he did eat an entire Costco pecan pie on thanksgiving a few years ago...but that just proves my point! People who don't need sugar are crazy and will end up binging. Rewind blog entry to me wanting trash cake). In the past, if I talked to Geoff about food and didn't make any changes, I would then NOT be allowed to vent, scream and throw my clothes out of the closet if they didn't fit. Anyway, the moral of this long convoluted story is "don't break down and eat trash cake..this urge will go away, you have a goal and my husband is a freak." And as Merrill Norrdin (some fit bitch I know) would say, "nothing tastes as good as strong and fit feels." and I'm pretty confident she's right.

So, lets chat my workout this week at Train Insane Gym...4 days of fun consisting of push press, burpees, double unders, box jumps, toes to bar, wall balls, dead lifts, hang cleans, row machine, running and pull ups  (yes ma'am, this bitch knows how to do a real pull up!..thank you very much). And I also spent a 5th day hiking and 6th day walking around at Disneyland, but I'm pretty sure Geoff would say that doesn't really count :/ (what should count though, is that I packed a lunch for the day and managed to eat clean while watching everyone else eat corn dogs and cotton candy. A small part of me had a sweet craving, but then I noticed the waistline of the people eating those things and I envisioned my future bikini body so I chose to not go there. It was honestly very empowering). You really have no idea what you're capable of until you try..I mean, who would have thought I could master 10 double unders unbroken and a real freakin pull up! I'm just gonna say it....I'm kinda feelin like a stud. Now, just a little advice for any young people reading this, instead of getting felt up behind your high school gym (hypothetically speaking of course) you should join a jump rope team....you never know how it can change your life later (well, at least keep you from looking like a cutter with jump rope slash marks on your arms).

On another note, some big things have happened this week on Facebook. I somehow managed to inspire a few other women to join me in this bikini show journey and as it goes, are inspiring their friends to either do the same or at least get their shit together when it comes to food and fitness....and don't forget what happens when you decide to do a bikini show...that's right! You write a blog! So don't worry about not having enough to do, you can read all of the bikini blog goodness! I mean, if that doesn't make you feel guilty or light a fire under your ass than you're screwed! Natasha (coach at Train Insane) said to me yesterday, "I've figured out the key to every woman getting in shape. You just needed to sign up for a bikini competition." So, feel free to hop on the bikini bandwagon at any time ladies! (but just so you know, we've already reserved our "bikini suit colors," so don't fuck with us...were hungry ;).

As I lie here, watching "Pitch Perfect," while my baby sleeps and Geoff is online doing research for my competition, I have a slight rush of anxiety. And it's not about the food or the workouts or the fact that I wanna look like the picture below and I'm wondering if that's to much to ask, but more about what stripper heels and jewelry I'm gonna buy and how ill find the perfect mermaid hair extensions. Clearly, my priorities are a little fucked up ;)

                                                          Can this be me? PLEASE?!!!


Finally, I'm posting last weeks photo along with this weeks photo to compare (if there even is a comparison yet)....only 5 and a half months to go! FUCK!!!!!

                                                      
                                            June 16th 2013                            June 23rd 2013

                                                         

Insane Bikini Momma